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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Smithsonian Acquires Rare Photograph Where Whole Family Looks Really Nice

WASHINGTON—Calling the image an important addition to their collection, officials from the Smithsonian National Museum of American History announced Friday they have acquired a rare photograph where the whole Barlow family looks very nice. “The Smithsonian is proud to celebrate this exceptional and iconic 2014 vacation snapshot of the Barlow family in which Matthew, Karen, Joanna, and Bradley all have genuine smiles and no one is squinting or blinking,” said head researcher Rodney Agee, adding that for the first time in American history, the extraordinary photograph perfectly captured the Barlows appearing well-groomed and happy to be in each other’s company. “This magnificent informal group portrait is a national treasure, as all members of the Barlow family are dressed in nice, clean outfits free of wrinkles and stains, evenly lit, and looking in the right direction.” At press time, a Smithsonian spokesperson told reporters the photo was the only known image of Bradley on his best behavior and not fucking around.


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