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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Smithsonian Rejects Tie Dylan McDermott Wore In 'The Practice'

WASHINGTON—The Smithsonian Museum of American History has politely declined to accept the striped-blue tie worn by actor Dylan McDermott during the "Of Thee I Sing" episode in the seventh season of The Practice. "Unfortunately, the Smithsonian is not accepting unsolcited submissions at this time," read the form letter sent by the Smithsonian Institution to the residence of Mr. McDermott, along with the returned tie and autographed headshot originally sent to the museum. "While we appreciate your interest, the article of clothing in question does not meet the level of cultural significance demonstrated by the artifacts in≠cluded in our collection, such as the ruby slippers from The Wizard Of Oz and Archie Bunker's chair from All In The Family. Best of luck." When asked for† comment, Mr. McDermott said he thought the Smithsonian was making a "huge mistake," but believed another item he recently sent the museum—a sweater he wore in the 2003 film Runaway Jury—was "a sure thing."

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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