adBlockCheck

Local

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
End Of Section
  • More News

Smooth Transaction At DMV Exaggerated Into Story Anyway

ALBANY, NY—Though he spent no more than 20 minutes at the Department of Motor Vehicles Tuesday getting his driver's license renewed, Dan Nesbitt, 27, decided to embellish his experience anyway, saying he was mistakenly given the wrong form to fill out, the guy in front of him took "forever," and the person behind the counter wasn't exactly helpful, either. "That place is unbelievable," said Nesbitt, who didn't have to wait more than five minutes for his number to be called and successfully left the DMV with the one thing he came in for. "And God help you if you don't walk in there with nine different forms of identification." As of press time, Nesbitt could not be reached for comment due to the "fucking typical" lack of tellers available at the bank.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close