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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Smug Replacement Refs Point Out Not A Single 'Intentional Midfield Zone Hands' Called All Weekend

NEW YORK—Following the return of the NFL’s regular officials, several smug replacement referees told reporters Tuesday about the abundance of missed calls last week, noting that since their dismissal not a single flag has been thrown for intentional midfield zone hands, personal clock interference, or roughing the line of scrimmage.

“People complained about us, but at least we knew the difference between personal punt conduct and fair coverage below the waist,” said former umpire Bob Shoulders, adding that the narrow stripes on the referees’ shirts violated the NFL’s minimum width requirement for lines on uniforms. “I can’t tell you how many times this weekend I saw international groundling called when there was a blatant eligible gunner wedge downfield on the touch-off, which should negate that penalty.”

“And not once did I see a team receive an automatic out-of-bounds for failing to clear a path for the non-ball-carrier,” Shoulders continued.

Numerous other replacement referees pointed out that over three weeks of officiating they had a flawless record when it came to measuring point contact, and that not a single complaint had been filed about illegal hands breaking the plane of a defenseless fifth down.

“There had to be at least four or five reverse encroachment infractions missed in the Monday night game alone,” said replacement head linesman Lynn Lawhorn, who reportedly turned off the Lions-Vikings game Sunday in disgust after noticing an unsportsmanlike shift go uncalled on the very first play. “And to think people were all on our case because we marked a few hut down lines off by a hash yard or two.”

“These other guys look like they completely forgot how to officialate,” Lawhorn added.

According to a poll of replacement refs, nearly 75 percent had no regrets about their turnover-time enforcement, while another 20 percent said that if they did anything wrong, it was ruling too strictly on ineligible face-mask substitutions. The vast majority surveyed claimed they did a far better job than last week’s officials at monitoring whether teams had too many players huddled around the Gatorade.

“It’s just a little unfair is all,” said former referee Jerry Frump, his voice seeming to register an air of superiority. “We get vilified for maybe being a little too quick to throw our shoe at an offsize kickler or visiting the replay booth to see if the defense had too many fans in section 18, but then these guys come out hardly paying any attention whatsoever to turf thickness and nobody says a thing.”

Nearly all the replacement refs expressed some interest in banding together to make the NFL aware of how many penalties aren’t being called, but as of press time, they had failed to confer with one another before making a call to the league.

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