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Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.
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Smug Replacement Refs Point Out Not A Single 'Intentional Midfield Zone Hands' Called All Weekend

NEW YORK—Following the return of the NFL’s regular officials, several smug replacement referees told reporters Tuesday about the abundance of missed calls last week, noting that since their dismissal not a single flag has been thrown for intentional midfield zone hands, personal clock interference, or roughing the line of scrimmage.

“People complained about us, but at least we knew the difference between personal punt conduct and fair coverage below the waist,” said former umpire Bob Shoulders, adding that the narrow stripes on the referees’ shirts violated the NFL’s minimum width requirement for lines on uniforms. “I can’t tell you how many times this weekend I saw international groundling called when there was a blatant eligible gunner wedge downfield on the touch-off, which should negate that penalty.”

“And not once did I see a team receive an automatic out-of-bounds for failing to clear a path for the non-ball-carrier,” Shoulders continued.

Numerous other replacement referees pointed out that over three weeks of officiating they had a flawless record when it came to measuring point contact, and that not a single complaint had been filed about illegal hands breaking the plane of a defenseless fifth down.

“There had to be at least four or five reverse encroachment infractions missed in the Monday night game alone,” said replacement head linesman Lynn Lawhorn, who reportedly turned off the Lions-Vikings game Sunday in disgust after noticing an unsportsmanlike shift go uncalled on the very first play. “And to think people were all on our case because we marked a few hut down lines off by a hash yard or two.”

“These other guys look like they completely forgot how to officialate,” Lawhorn added.

According to a poll of replacement refs, nearly 75 percent had no regrets about their turnover-time enforcement, while another 20 percent said that if they did anything wrong, it was ruling too strictly on ineligible face-mask substitutions. The vast majority surveyed claimed they did a far better job than last week’s officials at monitoring whether teams had too many players huddled around the Gatorade.

“It’s just a little unfair is all,” said former referee Jerry Frump, his voice seeming to register an air of superiority. “We get vilified for maybe being a little too quick to throw our shoe at an offsize kickler or visiting the replay booth to see if the defense had too many fans in section 18, but then these guys come out hardly paying any attention whatsoever to turf thickness and nobody says a thing.”

Nearly all the replacement refs expressed some interest in banding together to make the NFL aware of how many penalties aren’t being called, but as of press time, they had failed to confer with one another before making a call to the league.

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