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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Snickering Peter Gammons Persuades John Kruk To Say Orioles Are The Best Team In Baseball On Air

BRISTOL, CT—Following highlights of a recent Baltimore Orioles game, Baseball Tonight analyst John Kruk was goaded into stating that the Orioles were the best team in the major leagues at the prompting of fellow analyst Peter Gammons. "I mean, they're ahead of the Yankees after a full month... They've got to be pretty darn good, right?" Gammons said just prior to Kruk's statement as Kruk nodded helpfully. "You said yourself, John, that George Sherrill already has 14 saves, and saves are pretty important. Plus, Kevin Millar may be batting .236, but wow, does he have a sweet swing! I certainly can't think of a team that matches up. Can you? You can't, can you? Look right into camera two, right there." Kruk went on to say that Roger Clemens would win the NL Cy Young award and that he didn't think Pat Burrell would ever make another out again as Gammons hid his head in his hands and shook silently.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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