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MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

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Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Snobs, Slobs Face Off at Area Country Club

The elite Bushcrest Country Club was turned upside-down yesterday, as a throng of unkempt, drunken slobs descended upon the normally reserved social institution, terrorizing its uptight member snobs and stirring up all sorts of general mayhem.

The Bushcrest Country Club was turned upside-down yesterday when a group of rowdy slobs invaded, diving into pools, overturning tables and wearing loud, tacky shirts. According to witnesses, the outraged reactions of stuffy club members made the riff-raff-induced mayhem all the more uproarious.

Refusing to adhere to club dress codes, membership restrictions and mandates of behavioral decorum, the slobs, many of them fun-loving, irrepressible free spirits from the club's golf course service staff, stood up to the boring, repressed snobs by overturning tea services, diving into the club pool and using sexually suggestive language in the presence of Bushcrest's stern, elderly matriarchs.

Though the country club's blustering snobs were shocked and dismayed at the lowbrow state of affairs, witnesses report that their ineffective red-faced fuming only heightened the riotousness of the disruptions, as their expressions of outrage functioned as a sharp foil to the slobs' shameless misbehavior.

"Why, in my day, such impropriety would have never been allowed here at Bushcrest," said Judge Ted Bishop, considered by many to be the worst of the snobs. "Young man! Get down from there immediately and buff these shoes with a fine chamois!"

When his demands were not met by the unruly servants, Bishop threw his yachting hat on the ground, clenched his teeth and said, "Oooooo!"

Though details are still sketchy, according to reports, the slobs are a bunch of crazy kids who just want to have a good time and are sick of always getting hassled by club members and guests. And, surprisingly, despite the slobs' wild behavior, some of the club's wealthier patrons have chosen to ally themselves with the slobs.

Of the club's slob sympathizers, the most notable may be google-eyed billionaire Rodger Dandenrude, who yesterday cranked up the volume near the seventh hole with a cry of, "C'mon, you stiffs—let's dance!" and proceeded to "boogie down" to the smash hit "Any Way You Want It" by popular rock band Journey. He was reportedly wearing a loud, tacky shirt at the time.

"Why, that young man over there said the word 'balls'!" club member Eunice Stuffingsdale, 82, said, pointing toward a shirtless youth who had used the word in reference to golf but had also deliberately made an irreverent double-entendre. "All I could do was stand there huffing and puffing, unable to speak for the sheer shock of such adolescent, indecorous language."

Stuffingsdale's thrusting, accusatory pointing underscored her own uptight authoritarian stance, making her appear all the more buffoonish.

"There's no denying that these shenanigans have turned Bushcrest Country Club upside-down and inside-out," club spokesperson Walthrop C. McBain said. "Why, these slobs strode right into the pool area as if they owned it."

Shortly after entering the pool, McBain recounted, the slobs began splashing inappropriately and engaging in horseplay. When an on-duty lifeguard attempted to reassert control, the slobs gathered behind him and toppled his big chair right into the pool with a loud crash. "I find myself infuriated by such brazen cheek," McBain said.

Despite their obviously crude exterior, the slobs seem to possess a strong sense of pride. "Just because we're not a bunch of stiff-lipped upper-crust snooties doesn't mean we can be pushed around," said Michael O'Keene, a part-time club caddy and self-described serious partier. "There was a time when I kissed up to these snobs in the hopes of receiving the club's special caddy scholarship. But in the end, I learned I had to be true to my heart. No matter how stuffy and authoritarian the setting, the snobs cannot keep us down."

Though first believed to be an isolated event, yesterday's snob-slob showdown is actually not the only such incident to occur recently. According to police, similarly heated confrontations between slobs and snobs have been reported at summer camps, army training bases, homecoming float parades, college cafeterias and whitewater rafting races throughout the nation.

"Our latest batch of crazy cadets is driving me positively loony with their incessant pranks!" said Commander Lassard of the Police Academy, just one of the nation's many organizations to experience a significant rise in zany shenanigans recently. "Those no-good bumbling morons will never get it together in time to graduate! ...Or will they?"

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