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Who's Fucking: Zack and Evan

Coworkers Zack and Evan talk about moving past first impressions, stepping out of your comfort zone, and understanding what it really means to fuck someone.

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Snooping Andre Agassi Suspects Fellow Players Planning Surprise Retirement Party For Him

QUEENS, NY—Andre Agassi has spent the majority of his time at this week's U.S. Open snooping around the National Tennis Center and questioning fellow players about the time and location of his surprise retirement party, despite being repeatedly assured that no plans for such a party have been made. "Yesterday he stopped me in the locker room and asked me, if people weren't planning a party, where everyone was during his first-round match with Andrei Pavel," James Blake said, adding that he can tell that Agassi desperately wants the players to do something special for him. "I told him if he really wanted a party I was sure we could throw something together, but he just said I was 'doing a good job of playing along.'" Agassi claims his suspicions were confirmed when Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal stopped talking upon noticing an eavesdropping Agassi in a hat and sunglasses eating an ice-cream cone behind a nearby railing.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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