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Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Snooping Andre Agassi Suspects Fellow Players Planning Surprise Retirement Party For Him

QUEENS, NY—Andre Agassi has spent the majority of his time at this week's U.S. Open snooping around the National Tennis Center and questioning fellow players about the time and location of his surprise retirement party, despite being repeatedly assured that no plans for such a party have been made. "Yesterday he stopped me in the locker room and asked me, if people weren't planning a party, where everyone was during his first-round match with Andrei Pavel," James Blake said, adding that he can tell that Agassi desperately wants the players to do something special for him. "I told him if he really wanted a party I was sure we could throw something together, but he just said I was 'doing a good job of playing along.'" Agassi claims his suspicions were confirmed when Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal stopped talking upon noticing an eavesdropping Agassi in a hat and sunglasses eating an ice-cream cone behind a nearby railing.

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