adBlockCheck

Recent News

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
End Of Section
  • More News

Snooze Button Time Traveler Sets Coordinates For 5 Minutes Into The Future

The brave chrono-navigator, in the midst of yet another startling journey through time and space.
The brave chrono-navigator, in the midst of yet another startling journey through time and space.

MINNEAPOLIS—Setting his sights on a point five minutes into the future, snooze button time traveler Brent Conley, 31, engaged the launch initiation switch on his temporal teleportation device at precisely 7:30 a.m. this morning, immediately sending himself hurtling through time.

Having carefully computed the appropriate coordinates and loaded them into his sophisticated time-travel mechanism, the veteran temporal navigator and online ad salesman was reportedly able to rocket himself through the very fabric of the fourth dimension with little more than the press of a button, traveling the equivalent of five earth minutes in the mere blink of an eye.

“Ummghh,” said the snooze button time traveler upon his virtually instantaneous arrival at 7:35 a.m., having rematerialized in the same spot in his one-bedroom apartment exactly one-twelfth of an hour after his departure. “Wha?”

“Gahh,” he added as he eyed his current time coordinates with disapproval, immediately discerning with the insight of years of time-travel experience that he had yet to journey far enough into the future.

With a vigorous and confident strike of his hand, Conley reportedly engaged the ignition button again, initiating a second staggering surge though the chronological ether. Quickly assuming the proper supine position necessary for time travel, the temporal voyager pulled close his duvet heat barrier for the fantastic light-speed journey before him.

While the electronic time-manipulation device that powers Conley’s leaps into the future is said to be small, it is by no means simple. Bearing a dizzying array of switches, dials, buttons, and an arcane digitized display of glowing numbers and dots, the mechanism can reportedly be calibrated to the time cruiser’s exact needs and is always kept within arm’s reach, perched conveniently atop a birch-veneer self-assembled end table.

According to reports, the advanced device emits piercing tones to indicate a successful arrival in the future, often blaring the choruses and verses of classic rock songs from the ’70s, ’80s, ’90s, and today, or occasionally the shrill vocalizations of Conley’s disembodied travel companions, Bill And Linda In The Morning.

“Son of a…” said the veritable time captain after a second deftly executed chrono-jump, his vision blurred and a watery discharge emanating from his mouth, both common side effects of his disorienting blasts through spacetime. “Come on.”

“Agh,” he added defiantly before challenging the very limits of time travel by commencing a third vault across the temporal threshold.

According to astonishing accounts, the 2003 University of Minnesota graduate is known to venture as far as 20 minutes into the future routinely, completing such mind-bending feats of chronological teleportation as many as three or four mornings per week.

To endure his extraordinary journeys, Conley reportedly wears a specialized time-travel suit consisting of cutting-edge cotton-poly-blend plaid leg coverings and protective upper-body gear emblazoned with the words “Hard Rock Cafe London,” garments specifically suited for the particular rigors of his transits. In addition, the chrononaut’s meticulously engineered queen-sized time-pod, which carries Conley effortlessly into the future, is said to consist of dozens of hidden spring coils, a space-age quilt-top surface, and several insulating layers of highly advanced 300-thread-count textiles.

In spite of his remarkable ability to bend the very dimensions of time to his will, the snooze button time traveler is said to occasionally encounter obstacles on his voyages. Indeed, such a glitch reportedly occurred Monday when an errant deactivation of his device’s power toggle, which is located within just inches of the launch bar, propelled the traveler into a much deeper wormhole in the spacetime continuum than he had anticipated, depositing him woefully into the far-too-distant future.

“What?” said Conley in momentary confusion, examining the unexpected digits 8:28 on his chrono-display before realizing he had been thrust a startling 48 minutes into the future and had no means of return. “No!”

“God fucking dammit,” the time traveler added as he hurriedly grabbed khaki pants and a dress shirt from his hamper and sprinted toward the bathroom.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close