Snooze Button Time Traveler Sets Coordinates For 5 Minutes Into The Future

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Snooze Button Time Traveler Sets Coordinates For 5 Minutes Into The Future

The brave chrono-navigator, in the midst of yet another startling journey through time and space.
The brave chrono-navigator, in the midst of yet another startling journey through time and space.

MINNEAPOLIS—Setting his sights on a point five minutes into the future, snooze button time traveler Brent Conley, 31, engaged the launch initiation switch on his temporal teleportation device at precisely 7:30 a.m. this morning, immediately sending himself hurtling through time.

Having carefully computed the appropriate coordinates and loaded them into his sophisticated time-travel mechanism, the veteran temporal navigator and online ad salesman was reportedly able to rocket himself through the very fabric of the fourth dimension with little more than the press of a button, traveling the equivalent of five earth minutes in the mere blink of an eye.

“Ummghh,” said the snooze button time traveler upon his virtually instantaneous arrival at 7:35 a.m., having rematerialized in the same spot in his one-bedroom apartment exactly one-twelfth of an hour after his departure. “Wha?”

“Gahh,” he added as he eyed his current time coordinates with disapproval, immediately discerning with the insight of years of time-travel experience that he had yet to journey far enough into the future.

With a vigorous and confident strike of his hand, Conley reportedly engaged the ignition button again, initiating a second staggering surge though the chronological ether. Quickly assuming the proper supine position necessary for time travel, the temporal voyager pulled close his duvet heat barrier for the fantastic light-speed journey before him.

While the electronic time-manipulation device that powers Conley’s leaps into the future is said to be small, it is by no means simple. Bearing a dizzying array of switches, dials, buttons, and an arcane digitized display of glowing numbers and dots, the mechanism can reportedly be calibrated to the time cruiser’s exact needs and is always kept within arm’s reach, perched conveniently atop a birch-veneer self-assembled end table.

According to reports, the advanced device emits piercing tones to indicate a successful arrival in the future, often blaring the choruses and verses of classic rock songs from the ’70s, ’80s, ’90s, and today, or occasionally the shrill vocalizations of Conley’s disembodied travel companions, Bill And Linda In The Morning.

“Son of a…” said the veritable time captain after a second deftly executed chrono-jump, his vision blurred and a watery discharge emanating from his mouth, both common side effects of his disorienting blasts through spacetime. “Come on.”

“Agh,” he added defiantly before challenging the very limits of time travel by commencing a third vault across the temporal threshold.

According to astonishing accounts, the 2003 University of Minnesota graduate is known to venture as far as 20 minutes into the future routinely, completing such mind-bending feats of chronological teleportation as many as three or four mornings per week.

To endure his extraordinary journeys, Conley reportedly wears a specialized time-travel suit consisting of cutting-edge cotton-poly-blend plaid leg coverings and protective upper-body gear emblazoned with the words “Hard Rock Cafe London,” garments specifically suited for the particular rigors of his transits. In addition, the chrononaut’s meticulously engineered queen-sized time-pod, which carries Conley effortlessly into the future, is said to consist of dozens of hidden spring coils, a space-age quilt-top surface, and several insulating layers of highly advanced 300-thread-count textiles.

In spite of his remarkable ability to bend the very dimensions of time to his will, the snooze button time traveler is said to occasionally encounter obstacles on his voyages. Indeed, such a glitch reportedly occurred Monday when an errant deactivation of his device’s power toggle, which is located within just inches of the launch bar, propelled the traveler into a much deeper wormhole in the spacetime continuum than he had anticipated, depositing him woefully into the far-too-distant future.

“What?” said Conley in momentary confusion, examining the unexpected digits 8:28 on his chrono-display before realizing he had been thrust a startling 48 minutes into the future and had no means of return. “No!”

“God fucking dammit,” the time traveler added as he hurriedly grabbed khaki pants and a dress shirt from his hamper and sprinted toward the bathroom.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close