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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Snotty Teenage Girls Convene for World Summit

The U.S. delegation spent much of Saturday's mall outing hanging out together. According to reports, the girls felt many of the delegates from the poorer nations were 'lame.'
The U.S. delegation spent much of Saturday's mall outing hanging out together. According to reports, the girls felt many of the delegates from the poorer nations were 'lame.'

OSLO, NORWAY—Delegations of snotty teenage girls descended upon the Norwegian capital from all over the world this past weekend, gathering for a historic five-day summit. The Inter-national Conference of Pretty and Popular Girls, which features representatives from 112 nations, will address the critical issues facing snotty girls across the globe, including boys, dressing cool and the mall.

According to U.S. delegate Jenny Reiner, a 15-year-old from Miami, the primary goal of the ICPPGs is the elimination of all lameness by the year 2000. “The current levels are way too high,” said Reiner, who also heads the conference’s Sub-Committee on Make-up, Hair Spray and Scrunchies. “All across the world, there’s just so much of it—gym class, reading, outfits that don’t match—I’m concerned.”

Reiner herself was recently affected by lameness when her parents took her and her two siblings on a family vacation.

“We went to Disneyworld and went on all these rides and stayed at this hotel together,” Reiner said. “It was so gay.”

Reiner still has not told her friends about the trip.

Another major issue the summit hopes to address is uncool girls who think they’re you’re friend but really aren’t.

“This girl Xiao Bu always follows me around school and calls me up on weekends to do stuff,” Chinese delegate Hsiao Chang, 14, said. “And she’s a total loser. Nobody wants to be friends with her, but she always hangs around me—it’s totally embarrassing.”

According to recent statistics, across the globe, over 465 million ugly, uncool girls follow cool girls around, a 35% rise since 1980.

While the world’s delegations have generally gotten along well, the conference has not been without its share of strife.

Yesterday afternoon, during a multinational outing to an Oslo mall, Dutch representative Kari Olgstaad told the Ivory Coast’s Ngomii M’gunda that several of the Russian girls looked fat. She also told M’gunda she “totally hates” Libyan delegate Baszula Khalim.

Minutes later, M’gunda told Khalim what Olgstaad said about her, even though she swore not to say anything. M’gunda also told Peru’s Juana Santos, who told Olgstaad that M’gunda said something, even though she promised to keep it a secret.

“I guess I shouldn’t have trusted her,” Olgstaad said. She added that M’gunda’s native Bantu language is “really stupid” and that her home continent of Africa is “totally poor.”

When notified of the multi-national squabbling, conference leader Kerri Hayes of Canada stepped in and issued the following statement: “Guys, stop fighting! You’re ruining the summit!”

Seventeen editor Debi Fox, one of thousands covering the world conference, praised the delegates. “These are teens of the ’90s,” she said. “They’re smart, sassy and on-the-go!”

Fox says Seventeen will provide full coverage of the summit in its January issue, including a colorful, 14-page photo spread titled “Fresh Faces,” featuring a multi-racial collection of thin, clear-skinned teens wearing the latest fashions in playful settings.

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