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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

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Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

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Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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So-Called Christian Has Erection

Daugherty calls himself a follower of Christ despite being physically aroused.
Daugherty calls himself a follower of Christ despite being physically aroused.

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Alarmed and appalled sources confirmed today that in complete defiance of his biblical duty to live a life that is holy and pleasing to God, local 27-year-old and so-called Christian Jeff Daugherty currently has an erection.

Daugherty, who claims to abide by the word of the Lord and walk in the footsteps of Jesus, is nonetheless now in a state of physical arousal, a development that has sent shockwaves through his community and deeply troubled his fellow churchgoers.

“How could anyone who professes to be a Christian fall to such shameful depths?” said Janet Hindsley, a member of Daugherty’s church who told reporters she was stunned and disgusted at news of the man’s engorged genitals. “I know people are capable of these kinds of ghastly practices. I’m not naïve. But you just don’t expect this sort of sinful behavior from someone you worship with every Sunday.”

“The thought that I’ve probably shared a pew with him before makes me sick to my stomach,” she added, shaking her head in revulsion.

Though Daugherty reportedly reads the Bible almost every day and regularly speaks out about his faith, sources said his present titillated condition puts him repulsively at odds with his assertion that he has accepted Jesus Christ as his savior. While many church members said they are praying for the soul of a man they believe has gone down a dark path, others are calling for the “pervert” and “heretic” to be expelled from their congregation.

According to Darren Howe, who belongs to the same men’s prayer group as Daugherty, this isn’t the first time the purported believer in the Holy Scripture has become erect.

“He confided to me that he gets them at least once a week, and sometimes every day,” said Howe with visible distaste, adding that while he was revolted by the admission, he encouraged Daugherty in his battle to remain pure before the eyes of the Lord. “Apparently he’s even woken up in the morning with one, as horribly depraved as that is. And this is a man who has children! He’s got that… that thing under the same roof as his kids!”

“How could Jeff let his body become an instrument of Satan?” he continued. “He must renounce this evil in his life and repent.”

Fearing Daugherty may bring his tumescent phallus into their place of worship Sunday, some church members have appealed to their pastor, the Rev. Allen Whitlock, to prevent the “insult to all creation” from entering God’s house.

“While it’s true we are all sinners, that doesn’t give us an excuse to live as wickedly as we please,” Whitlock said when reached for comment. “I’ve known Jeff a long time. I’ve had dinner at his house. I’ve prayed with his family at their kitchen table. It unnerves me to think that right there in his lap, out of sight and inches away from me, Jeff might very well have been quietly sinning. Because even if no one else can see it, the Lord can.”

“Do I want a man singing songs of praise in my church while his body is flush with such impurity?” he continued. “No, I do not. It’s an abomination, and it must stop.”

At press time, the pastor stood before a hastily convened vigil outside Daugherty’s house, urging his congregation to pray for the fallen man’s erection to retreat and remain dormant so that he might one day resume his walk with God.

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