adBlockCheck

So-Called Christian Has Erection

Top Headlines

Local

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

So-Called Christian Has Erection

Daugherty calls himself a follower of Christ despite being physically aroused.
Daugherty calls himself a follower of Christ despite being physically aroused.

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Alarmed and appalled sources confirmed today that in complete defiance of his biblical duty to live a life that is holy and pleasing to God, local 27-year-old and so-called Christian Jeff Daugherty currently has an erection.

Daugherty, who claims to abide by the word of the Lord and walk in the footsteps of Jesus, is nonetheless now in a state of physical arousal, a development that has sent shockwaves through his community and deeply troubled his fellow churchgoers.

“How could anyone who professes to be a Christian fall to such shameful depths?” said Janet Hindsley, a member of Daugherty’s church who told reporters she was stunned and disgusted at news of the man’s engorged genitals. “I know people are capable of these kinds of ghastly practices. I’m not naïve. But you just don’t expect this sort of sinful behavior from someone you worship with every Sunday.”

“The thought that I’ve probably shared a pew with him before makes me sick to my stomach,” she added, shaking her head in revulsion.

Though Daugherty reportedly reads the Bible almost every day and regularly speaks out about his faith, sources said his present titillated condition puts him repulsively at odds with his assertion that he has accepted Jesus Christ as his savior. While many church members said they are praying for the soul of a man they believe has gone down a dark path, others are calling for the “pervert” and “heretic” to be expelled from their congregation.

According to Darren Howe, who belongs to the same men’s prayer group as Daugherty, this isn’t the first time the purported believer in the Holy Scripture has become erect.

“He confided to me that he gets them at least once a week, and sometimes every day,” said Howe with visible distaste, adding that while he was revolted by the admission, he encouraged Daugherty in his battle to remain pure before the eyes of the Lord. “Apparently he’s even woken up in the morning with one, as horribly depraved as that is. And this is a man who has children! He’s got that… that thing under the same roof as his kids!”

“How could Jeff let his body become an instrument of Satan?” he continued. “He must renounce this evil in his life and repent.”

Fearing Daugherty may bring his tumescent phallus into their place of worship Sunday, some church members have appealed to their pastor, the Rev. Allen Whitlock, to prevent the “insult to all creation” from entering God’s house.

“While it’s true we are all sinners, that doesn’t give us an excuse to live as wickedly as we please,” Whitlock said when reached for comment. “I’ve known Jeff a long time. I’ve had dinner at his house. I’ve prayed with his family at their kitchen table. It unnerves me to think that right there in his lap, out of sight and inches away from me, Jeff might very well have been quietly sinning. Because even if no one else can see it, the Lord can.”

“Do I want a man singing songs of praise in my church while his body is flush with such impurity?” he continued. “No, I do not. It’s an abomination, and it must stop.”

At press time, the pastor stood before a hastily convened vigil outside Daugherty’s house, urging his congregation to pray for the fallen man’s erection to retreat and remain dormant so that he might one day resume his walk with God.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close