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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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So-Called 'Genius' Bill Belichick Stumped By Non-Football-Related Question

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Patriots head coach Bill Belichick's reputation for possessing a keen, incisive intelligence and being able to intuitively grasp all pertinent aspects of a problem took a major hit Tuesday when, while fielding reporters' questions at his daily press conference, he stammered through his response to a Business Week reporter's routine inquiry concerning alternative economic approaches to societal trends. "Well, we, uh, I guess it's like the salary cap all teams operate under, as far as… Is commodification the word I want to use here?" said Belichick, obviously attempting to dodge the question in what onlookers called a "humiliating moment of mere mortality for the acknowledged genius." "I don't know if Keynesian theory is what I want here, but… A football game is a service, I guess, in terms of Keynesian market concepts… No, wait, I think I'm thinking of Thorstein Veblen. You know what? Any questions on how we're planning for the Colts' passing game?" Patriots players would not comment directly on their coach's public failure to live up to his reputation,  although some players were heard wondering aloud how a coach with such severely limited economic knowledge could in good faith call himself an offensive innovator.

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