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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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So-Called 'Genius' Bill Belichick Stumped By Non-Football-Related Question

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Patriots head coach Bill Belichick's reputation for possessing a keen, incisive intelligence and being able to intuitively grasp all pertinent aspects of a problem took a major hit Tuesday when, while fielding reporters' questions at his daily press conference, he stammered through his response to a Business Week reporter's routine inquiry concerning alternative economic approaches to societal trends. "Well, we, uh, I guess it's like the salary cap all teams operate under, as far as… Is commodification the word I want to use here?" said Belichick, obviously attempting to dodge the question in what onlookers called a "humiliating moment of mere mortality for the acknowledged genius." "I don't know if Keynesian theory is what I want here, but… A football game is a service, I guess, in terms of Keynesian market concepts… No, wait, I think I'm thinking of Thorstein Veblen. You know what? Any questions on how we're planning for the Colts' passing game?" Patriots players would not comment directly on their coach's public failure to live up to his reputation,  although some players were heard wondering aloud how a coach with such severely limited economic knowledge could in good faith call himself an offensive innovator.

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