Social Security System Overhauled To Provide 'Early-Death Incentives'

In This Section

Vol 35 Issue 16

Area Film Buff Wondering What Pauline Kael Would Say About Cookie's Fortune

DAYTON, OH—Sources reported Monday that Keith Kuenn, a 34-year-old Dayton film buff, is wondering what former New Yorker movie critic Pauline Kael would say about Cookie's Fortune. "Considering what a big Altman fan Pauline Kael is, I'd say she would find Cookie's Fortune to be a worthy entry in the director's oeuvre, a film whose rich emotional tapestry and eye for Southern detail more than make up for what it lacks in narrative thrust," Kuenn said. "Then again, as evidenced by her infamous panning of Alain Resnais' Hiroshima, Mon Amour, Kael always relished playing the role of devil's advocate, so perhaps she would deliberately go against the grain on this one." Kael could not be reached for comment.

Eggs Good For You This Week

BOSTON—According to a Northeastern University study released Monday, eggs—discovered last week by a University of California-Santa Cruz study to be unhealthy, raising serum cholesterol by as much as 20 percent—have beneficial effects on cardiovascular health this week. "Contrary to what was previously thought, consuming an egg a day can lower a person's blood pressure and increase the heart's efficiency for the next week," the Northeastern study stated. The report urged Americans to increase egg consumption immediately, as eggs may be unhealthy again as soon as next Monday.

Greenspan Just Repeating Detractors' Criticisms In High-Pitched Girly Voice

WASHINGTON, DC—Fed up after years of criticism, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is now just parroting the words of detractors in a high-pitched girly voice, it was reported Monday. "Oooh, in light of the GNP's 5 percent growth in FY 1998-9, Mr. Greenspan should be keeping a much closer eye on the prime rate," Greenspan said Monday, responding to a recent Barron's editorial arguing that, in light of the GNP's 5 percent growth in FY 1998-9, the 73-year-old Fed chief should be keeping a much closer eye on the prime rate.

So-Called 'Giant' Mouse Actually Baby Kangaroo

TACOMA, WA—An article in the latest issue of the journal Nature revealed that the fabled "Giant Mouse Of Tacoma" is actually a baby kangaroo. "An infant kangaroo, which likely either escaped from a wooden crate or was delivered by a comically intoxicated stork, infiltrated the local ecosystem, causing great embarrassment to area cats and their deeply traumatized, bag-wearing sons," the report stated. "In any event, no mouse of any size can balance on its tail while vigorously kicking an adult cat with its feet." A similar report suggested that the love interest of much-feared Parisian "Polecat de Pew" may actually be an ordinary housecat accidentally painted with a white stripe.

A Satisfactory Denouement

Last week, I described how, upon losing my stolen fortune in an ambush, I was kidnapped by the villainous Black Scarlet, who spirited me off to an abandoned granary to await the dispatchment of a great deal of ransom-money. I asked Black Scarlet if he would set me free upon receipt of the money. "Set you free? Never!" he exclaimed with a bitter laugh. "You shall for-ever remain my captive and be as free as those you have kept in shackles for so long!" Curse the cheeky scoundrel! I have never once kept any-one in shackles, excepting a few of my servants and the wife.

I Got A Birthday Coming Up!

Hola amigos. How does it hang? I know it's been a long time since I last rapped at ya, but I've been buried under a whole heap of shit. First off, I accidentally dropped my lighter down the drain of my sink a few weeks ago. As a result, I've been forced to light my weed off my electric stove, which is a major hassle. Plus, the lighter's been keeping a whole bunch of food and crap from going down the drain, so now my sink's all clogged. I tried to get the damn thing out with a coat hanger, but I can't quite get it.

Talking Tax Reform

Tax season was recently upon us once again, and with it came widespread calls for reform, including simpler forms and a more streamlined filing process. What do you think about making tax-filing less complicated?

I'm Totally Psyched About This Abortion!

I know, I know, I've heard all the arguments: Abortion stops a beating heart. It's a child, not a choice. Every life is precious. Well, I don't care what the pro-lifers say... I am totally psyched for this abortion!
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Personal Finance

Social Security System Overhauled To Provide 'Early-Death Incentives'

WASHINGTON, DC—Overwhelmed by a dearth of funds and a glut of recipients, the Social Security Administration unveiled a new "Early-Death Incentives Plan" Monday. Under the terms of the program, senior citizens willing to sacrifice additional years of life will be eligible for larger payouts.

Social Security Administration commissioner Kenneth Apfel discusses the new Early-Death Incentives Plan.

"As the Baby Boomers approach retirement age and U.S. life-expectancy continues to rise, we are forced to distribute Social Security funds to an ever-widening pool of recipients," said Social Security Administration commissioner Kenneth S. Apfel, announcing the radical reform program. "But with Early-Death Incentives, rather than force millions of retirees to eke out a meager subsistence on a small stipend for years, we can offer them a few years of high living, followed by guaranteed, permanent relief from being a burden on the American taxpayer."

Under the Early-Death Incentives Plan, retirees can double their monthly Social Security payouts by signing an agreement to perish within five years, or quadruple their payouts by dying within three. Those eligible can also opt for a six-month Accelerated Mortality Program, which pays $4,000 a month over a half-year period, provided the person ceases living at the conclusion of the agreed-upon term.

"A senior citizen who is receiving $300 dollars a month under the current Social Security system can barely get by," Apfel said. "But with EDIP, that same senior can substantially increase his or her quality of life simply by signing on for a slightly shortened term of existence. This will make it possible for recipients to eat out several times a week, purchase a nice, large TV to keep them company in their final days, and, at the end of the designated period, take a nice relaxing trip to anywhere in the world to die."

Apfel cautioned that recipients who fail to die by midnight on the agreed-upon date will face stiff penalties.

"Not only will your checks immediately cease to be valid at your predetermined 'expiration date,'" Apfel said, "but if you are found to still be alive following a 30-day grace period, you will be subject to a minimum fine of $10,000 and/or six months in prison."

Retirees across the U.S. are praising the new plan. "Finally, I don't have to feel guilty about being a drain on the system," said Sarasota, FL, resident Helen Macalester, 78. "And not only am I helping my country out of a jam, I'm getting substantially more money. What could be better?"

"Who really enjoys those last few years, anyway?" asked 76-year-old Herman Norquist of Mesa, AZ, one of millions of seniors who have already signed up for EDIP. "Better to enjoy five terrific, high-yield years of life than 15 low-yield ones. The system works."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More