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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.

Trump Gives Intelligence Agencies Their Daily Briefing

NEW YORK—Sitting down with top officials from the CIA, FBI, and Defense Intelligence Agency in a Trump Tower conference room, President-elect Donald Trump reportedly gave U.S. intelligence agencies their daily briefing Tuesday morning.
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Social Security System Overhauled To Provide 'Early-Death Incentives'

WASHINGTON, DC—Overwhelmed by a dearth of funds and a glut of recipients, the Social Security Administration unveiled a new "Early-Death Incentives Plan" Monday. Under the terms of the program, senior citizens willing to sacrifice additional years of life will be eligible for larger payouts.

Social Security Administration commissioner Kenneth Apfel discusses the new Early-Death Incentives Plan.

"As the Baby Boomers approach retirement age and U.S. life-expectancy continues to rise, we are forced to distribute Social Security funds to an ever-widening pool of recipients," said Social Security Administration commissioner Kenneth S. Apfel, announcing the radical reform program. "But with Early-Death Incentives, rather than force millions of retirees to eke out a meager subsistence on a small stipend for years, we can offer them a few years of high living, followed by guaranteed, permanent relief from being a burden on the American taxpayer."

Under the Early-Death Incentives Plan, retirees can double their monthly Social Security payouts by signing an agreement to perish within five years, or quadruple their payouts by dying within three. Those eligible can also opt for a six-month Accelerated Mortality Program, which pays $4,000 a month over a half-year period, provided the person ceases living at the conclusion of the agreed-upon term.

"A senior citizen who is receiving $300 dollars a month under the current Social Security system can barely get by," Apfel said. "But with EDIP, that same senior can substantially increase his or her quality of life simply by signing on for a slightly shortened term of existence. This will make it possible for recipients to eat out several times a week, purchase a nice, large TV to keep them company in their final days, and, at the end of the designated period, take a nice relaxing trip to anywhere in the world to die."

Apfel cautioned that recipients who fail to die by midnight on the agreed-upon date will face stiff penalties.

"Not only will your checks immediately cease to be valid at your predetermined 'expiration date,'" Apfel said, "but if you are found to still be alive following a 30-day grace period, you will be subject to a minimum fine of $10,000 and/or six months in prison."

Retirees across the U.S. are praising the new plan. "Finally, I don't have to feel guilty about being a drain on the system," said Sarasota, FL, resident Helen Macalester, 78. "And not only am I helping my country out of a jam, I'm getting substantially more money. What could be better?"

"Who really enjoys those last few years, anyway?" asked 76-year-old Herman Norquist of Mesa, AZ, one of millions of seniors who have already signed up for EDIP. "Better to enjoy five terrific, high-yield years of life than 15 low-yield ones. The system works."

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