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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Softball Team Unsure Of How To Console Jackass Captain Who Just Struck Out

MILWAUKEE—After team captain Steven Tompsen started yelling and threw a bat at the fence, teammates of the 32-year-old sales manager were uncertain how to make him feel better about striking out during a recreational company softball game. "I feel like we should just let him go until he gets tired," teammate Andy Littova said while watching Tompsen scream accusations of bias at the umpire. "I'd go over and try to console him, but I don't want the other team to think I like the guy." At press time, Tompsen's teammates were torn between "It's okay, we still have eight more innings," and "Stop crying about it, you fucking psycho."

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