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Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Soldier Excited To Take Over Father’s Old Afghanistan Patrol Route

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Saying he “never could have imagined” he would have the opportunity to follow directly in his father’s footsteps, 19-year-old U.S. Army Pvt. Tyler Corcoran was reportedly excited Tuesday to take over his dad’s old patrol route in Afghanistan. “It’s just so incredible that I’ll soon be walking the very same footpath as my old man, securing the perimeter of Camp Chapman in Khost Province just like he did so many years ago,” said Corcoran, who explained how, throughout his childhood, he had heard his father’s stories of guarding the forward operating base but never once considered that he would one day be traversing along the exact walls and securing the identical checkpoints his father had during his tours of duty. “To think that I’ll be monitoring the road between the airstrip and detention facility that Dad always talked about, keeping an eye out for IEDs and any suspicious activity the same way he did all those years ago. Honestly, it’s hard to believe—but, wow, it’s really happening.” At press time, a tear fell from Corcoran’s eye as he hugged his dad goodbye in the very same manner he remembered his father doing to him when he was a toddler.

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