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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Sole Survivor Of Air Crash Has Asia's 'Sole Survivor' Stuck In Head

PORT HUENEME, CA–Ronald DeGaetano, sole survivor of the Jan. 31 Alaska Airlines crash that claimed 88 lives, has had the 1982 Asia song "Sole Survivor" stuck in his head ever since. "Goddamn it, I can't get that stupid thing out of my head," DeGaetano said. "After the plane went down, I was floating out there in the Pacific, thinking about how I was the sole survivor, and for some reason, that song popped into my head. Now I can't get it out, and it's driving me friggin' nuts." DeGaetano said that if he does not shake the song soon, he is going to "start wishing I hadn't been the sole survivor."

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