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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Sole Survivor Of Air Crash Has Asia's 'Sole Survivor' Stuck In Head

PORT HUENEME, CA–Ronald DeGaetano, sole survivor of the Jan. 31 Alaska Airlines crash that claimed 88 lives, has had the 1982 Asia song "Sole Survivor" stuck in his head ever since. "Goddamn it, I can't get that stupid thing out of my head," DeGaetano said. "After the plane went down, I was floating out there in the Pacific, thinking about how I was the sole survivor, and for some reason, that song popped into my head. Now I can't get it out, and it's driving me friggin' nuts." DeGaetano said that if he does not shake the song soon, he is going to "start wishing I hadn't been the sole survivor."

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