adBlockCheck

Solitary Crow On Fence Post Portending Doom, Analysts Warn

Top Headlines

Politics

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Solitary Crow On Fence Post Portending Doom, Analysts Warn

The wingèd harbinger of our own condemnation.
The wingèd harbinger of our own condemnation.

GREELEY, NE—Experts confirmed Monday that a single black crow perched ominously on a fence post in rural Nebraska is almost certainly a harbinger of great doom and despair for all Americans.

The crow came eerily to rest on the rickety wooden post at 10:26 a.m. Monday, according to farm hands working in a nearby field at the time. Citing a vague but certain feeling that "something just wasn't right," one of the laborers contacted law enforcement officials, and within hours federal authorities had converged on the site.

By late afternoon, sources in the Pentagon had received intelligence corroborating their suspicions that the crow is in fact a dark omen foretelling widespread economic ruin, famine, pestilence, and perhaps even the total collapse of the national infrastructure.

"At this point, all we can say for sure is that the sudden appearance of this grim avian prophet spells disaster for our nation's banks, its roads, its schools, its health care system, its energy resources—for our entire American way of life," Defense Department spokesman Bryan Whitman told reporters while examining video footage of the crow. "Would you just look at the way it's sitting there, with those glassy, black eyes and that creepy beak. Christ. Something bad is going to happen, I just know it."

Pentagon officials say even the full force and might of the U.S. military may not be capable of sparing us our cursed fate.

"Those…those eyes," Whitman added.

In response to the bird's unnervingly subtle movements, President Obama has issued an executive order barring any travel in or out of the country, freezing all domestic and international economic activity, and placing the military in a state of high alert.

The president has also requested that all Americans remain inside their homes to avoid being spooked by the bird's foreboding, unearthly caws.

"Look, the crow is already upon us, and we can't undo that," the president said at an emergency press conference Monday night. "As our nation faces this unprecedented challenge, it is very important that no one panic, because panicking will only increase the chances of it fidgeting with its talons or perhaps even flapping its wings. And I think we all know what that would mean."

"Oh, crow, why must you taunt us with your unholy knowledge?" the president continued. "Leave us be or make haste with your nefarious doings!"

According to Dust Bowl–era accounts of similar augurs of doom, crows alighting upon fences amid desolate prairie landscapes have often been associated with creeks running dry, cows giving sour milk, grain elevator accidents, and other tragedies. But modern experts have cautioned that this time the circumstances could be far more dire.

"Between the continuing rise of unemployment, unchecked carbon emissions, and the way the crow keeps cocking its head, we could be looking at an event of apocalyptic proportions," said Sgt. Blake Harmon, a military negotiator deployed to Nebraska to help manage the crisis.

"What is it you want from us, you wingèd demon? Tell us what you want!" continued Harmon, eliciting from the crow only a clacking of its beak and a cryptic "EEEE-AW!"

A $14 billion crow task force deployed by the federal government to monitor the bird reportedly attempted late Monday to approach the sinister-looking corvus corax specimen. However, the sudden snapping of a twig, coupled with the creaking of a nearby weather vane, sent a group of CIA, FBI, Interior Department, and Fermilab investigators running for cover.

"Argh! We're cursed! The country is cursed!" said Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, taking cover behind a nearby lilac bush. "Shooing it away will only seal our doom!"

"You smug son of a bitch, why don't you get off your high perch, fly over here, and fight me like a man!" screamed CIA director Leon Panetta, swinging his fists in the direction of the bird as a number of aides attempted to restrain him. "Let go of me! I have to get out of here. I can't take the way it just sits there and stares at me. Like it sees into my very soul!"

When reached for comment on the grim future of the nation and its 300 million citizens, the crow reportedly turned its head slowly to one side and shifted its weight, as though indifferent to the dark cosmic forces foretold by its malevolent form.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close