adBlockCheck

Politics

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
End Of Section
  • More News

Solitary Crow On Fence Post Portending Doom, Analysts Warn

The wingèd harbinger of our own condemnation.
The wingèd harbinger of our own condemnation.

GREELEY, NE—Experts confirmed Monday that a single black crow perched ominously on a fence post in rural Nebraska is almost certainly a harbinger of great doom and despair for all Americans.

The crow came eerily to rest on the rickety wooden post at 10:26 a.m. Monday, according to farm hands working in a nearby field at the time. Citing a vague but certain feeling that "something just wasn't right," one of the laborers contacted law enforcement officials, and within hours federal authorities had converged on the site.

By late afternoon, sources in the Pentagon had received intelligence corroborating their suspicions that the crow is in fact a dark omen foretelling widespread economic ruin, famine, pestilence, and perhaps even the total collapse of the national infrastructure.

"At this point, all we can say for sure is that the sudden appearance of this grim avian prophet spells disaster for our nation's banks, its roads, its schools, its health care system, its energy resources—for our entire American way of life," Defense Department spokesman Bryan Whitman told reporters while examining video footage of the crow. "Would you just look at the way it's sitting there, with those glassy, black eyes and that creepy beak. Christ. Something bad is going to happen, I just know it."

Pentagon officials say even the full force and might of the U.S. military may not be capable of sparing us our cursed fate.

"Those…those eyes," Whitman added.

In response to the bird's unnervingly subtle movements, President Obama has issued an executive order barring any travel in or out of the country, freezing all domestic and international economic activity, and placing the military in a state of high alert.

The president has also requested that all Americans remain inside their homes to avoid being spooked by the bird's foreboding, unearthly caws.

"Look, the crow is already upon us, and we can't undo that," the president said at an emergency press conference Monday night. "As our nation faces this unprecedented challenge, it is very important that no one panic, because panicking will only increase the chances of it fidgeting with its talons or perhaps even flapping its wings. And I think we all know what that would mean."

"Oh, crow, why must you taunt us with your unholy knowledge?" the president continued. "Leave us be or make haste with your nefarious doings!"

According to Dust Bowl–era accounts of similar augurs of doom, crows alighting upon fences amid desolate prairie landscapes have often been associated with creeks running dry, cows giving sour milk, grain elevator accidents, and other tragedies. But modern experts have cautioned that this time the circumstances could be far more dire.

"Between the continuing rise of unemployment, unchecked carbon emissions, and the way the crow keeps cocking its head, we could be looking at an event of apocalyptic proportions," said Sgt. Blake Harmon, a military negotiator deployed to Nebraska to help manage the crisis.

"What is it you want from us, you wingèd demon? Tell us what you want!" continued Harmon, eliciting from the crow only a clacking of its beak and a cryptic "EEEE-AW!"

A $14 billion crow task force deployed by the federal government to monitor the bird reportedly attempted late Monday to approach the sinister-looking corvus corax specimen. However, the sudden snapping of a twig, coupled with the creaking of a nearby weather vane, sent a group of CIA, FBI, Interior Department, and Fermilab investigators running for cover.

"Argh! We're cursed! The country is cursed!" said Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, taking cover behind a nearby lilac bush. "Shooing it away will only seal our doom!"

"You smug son of a bitch, why don't you get off your high perch, fly over here, and fight me like a man!" screamed CIA director Leon Panetta, swinging his fists in the direction of the bird as a number of aides attempted to restrain him. "Let go of me! I have to get out of here. I can't take the way it just sits there and stares at me. Like it sees into my very soul!"

When reached for comment on the grim future of the nation and its 300 million citizens, the crow reportedly turned its head slowly to one side and shifted its weight, as though indifferent to the dark cosmic forces foretold by its malevolent form.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close