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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Somali Pirates Make Off With Moses Mabhida Stadium

DURBAN, SOUTH AFRICA—Several World Cup matches will be rescheduled following the Friday afternoon theft of Moses Mabhida Stadium by Somali pirates, who used chains attached to a makeshift flotilla of armed skiffs to tow the arena through Durban Bay and out into the Indian Ocean during opening ceremonies. "Our officers were taken completely by surprise," said South African national police commissioner Bheki Cele, adding that by the time law enforcement officers heard the building's steel girders scraping across the highway's asphalt it was far too late to rescue the 800,000-ton sports facility. "One minute the stadium was hosting Durban's opening festivities, and the next there was only an empty parking lot and the fading sound of 50,000 vuvuzela horns as the structure disappeared over the horizon." The pirates have yet to issue ransom demands, leading to police speculation that they may have already been overwhelmed and shot by combat-hardened, heavily armed soccer fans.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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