Some Dork Brought In To Address Civics Class

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Vol 40 Issue 06

That Guy From That One Show In Rehab

GLENDALE, CA—According to nurses at the Rosewater Rehabilitation Clinic, that guy who used to play the fat guy on that one show was admitted Monday for treatment of alcohol abuse and depression. "He looked exactly like he did on that one show, except a bit older and fatter," nurse Christina Prenz told reporters. "I asked him to do that thing he always used to do, but he just stared at me. Then he started crying." Prenz added that, during their group therapy session, she plans to ask him why the show was cancelled.

Household Death Toll Climbs To One

NEW HAVEN, CT—Police announced Monday that the accidental death of 68-year-old Joseph Lang increased the death toll at 320 E. Oak St. to a staggering one. "We retrieved Mr. Lang's body from his bathtub, where it appears he slipped and hit his head," police officer Chris Ramsey said. "Although we don't expect to find any additional victims, we're continuing our 48-hour search of the two-story home, just in case." Lang is survived by his wife Helen, who still resides in the deathtrap.

New Co-Op Airline Offers Cheaper Fares If You Help Fly The Plane

SAN FRANCISCO—GreenWay Airlines, a new low-cost, cooperative airline, offers inexpensive fares to passengers who assist with the flight, an airline spokesman said Monday. "Unlike pricey corporate airlines, GreenWay is run by and for the people," said Brad Olson, a member of the GreenWay elected board. "But, in order to keep our ticket prices low, everyone who wants to fly with us needs to pitch in and help us navigate and maintain the aircraft. All positions, from baggage handler to pilot, will be filled by volunteers who sign up for four-hour shifts." GreenWay will begin taking reservations for daily flights between San Francisco and Austin, TX, as soon as someone can figure out how to use the booking software.

Majority Of Americans Thought We Already Had A Moon Base

WASHINGTON, DC—A NASA poll conducted to gauge support for President Bush's space-exploration initiative revealed that a depressing 57 percent of Americans believe that the U.S. already has a research base on the moon. "We put that international space-station thing up there in the '60s," phone-poll respondent Randy Snow said. "It might be on Mars, but I think it's the moon—wherever they have the golf course that President Kennedy played on. Remember, the Cubans tried to take it over?" NASA officials said they hope someday to make Americans' perception a reality.

Radicals, Extremists Vie For Control Of Iran

TEHRAN—As the Feb. 20 parliamentary election approaches, hard-line conservative religious radicals and fundamentalist Islamic extremists are stepping up their disparate campaigns. "It's up to the people: Does the future of Iran lie in the hands of the far-right extremists or the far-far-right radicals?" said Ayatollah Ahmad Jannati, head of the hard-line Guardian Council that recently banned thousands of moderate candidates from the election. "Will the old-school clerics win, or is the country ready for a new stripe of fundamentalists who will take authoritarianism in an entirely different direction?" Jannati urged all of Iran's citizens to get out and make their votes count.

Gay Marriage

Last week, the Massachusetts high court sanctioned same-sex marriages in that state. What do you think?
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Some Dork Brought In To Address Civics Class

GILLETTE, WY—According to Westwood High School sources, some dork from city hall or the mayor's office or something came in to address Richard Prugh's fifth- and seventh-hour civics classes Monday.

The dork.

"Mr. Prugh told us some city-council guy was going to be coming in to talk to us about government-type garbage," junior Jon Kriesel said. "The guy was a complete and total dork. I knew it the minute I saw him."

The dork, who introduced himself as Mr. Kepler and wrote his name on the board in girlish cursive letters, spent 25 minutes droning on about the revitalization of downtown Gillette.

"I thought for a second it might be cool, like maybe the city was going to build a mall, and he could tell us what stores would be in it," Tiffany Haus said. "But instead, he talked the whole time about a theater for plays and modern dance and stuff. Awesome. The only thing dorkier than theater is dance."

Kepler paired totally dorky behavior with an even dorkier appearance.

"He had a bow tie and this stupid mustache," Haus said. "And his hair was all dorked to the side."

The dork even had a dork's voice.

"He was going on and on about how Gillette has a proud history of whatever, totally jizzing about that one cowboy statue downtown, but all I could think about was his nasally voice," Rob Esser said. "I swear I could smell his breath the whole time. It smelled like an old stack of books. And his clothes... He might as well have been wearing a shirt that said 'Certified Dork' on the front."

After a pause, Esser said: "No. Actually, a shirt like that would've been way cooler than the vest he was wearing."

The dork had trouble controlling the class, and in true dweeb fashion, tried to reprimand the students with humor, saying, "Hey, guys, don't make me rezone that section non-residential."

The entire class reportedly stared at him blankly.

"The city nerd guy said something about some guys acting zoned out or something, and then he smiled really big and stared at us," Stacy Cooper said. "It was totally weird. Like, I think maybe he was trying to be funny. That must be what some book says about how to come and address a civics class or something."

According to classroom sources, the only person who was even listening to the dorky guest was Shelby Jones, who is also a big dork.

"Shelby's totally going to grow up and be just like this guy," classmate Jordan Luker said. "She kept asking him questions and saying 'point of order' and shit. She totally had a crush on him, I think. They should go get married and have, like, dorklets."

Luker said Kepler was "one of the dorkiest people to ever set foot in Westwood High."

Prugh, who arranges to have local government officials visit the class several times a year, was caught off guard by the dork.

"I'll admit I was disappointed," Prugh said. "It's not like my students adore me, but they really hated that dork. And, to be honest, I couldn't blame them. What a windbag."

Prugh continued: "All I knew about him before he walked in the door was that he won his council race in a landslide. Jesus. He must have run unopposed."

Several other school officials were struck by the dork's conduct.

"That strange-looking guy wandered into the office just before lunch, looking more confused than the freshmen do," principal Courtney Delaterra said. "I asked him if he needed help, and I guess my voice startled the poor guy, because he spun around and dropped several manila folders packed full of papers and news clippings and things. He had more paper than a person generally carries. When I introduced myself as the principal, it actually made him more nervous. I've seen some pretty high-strung people in my day, but that guy was a real mess."

After helping Kepler gather his papers, Delaterra led him to the cafeteria so that he could eat lunch before his fifth-period visit to Prugh's class. Librarian Kathy Westrich, the faculty outcast, avoided eye contact with Kepler as he wandered around the lunchroom looking for a seat.

The loner sat down next to Westrich anyway. The librarian would have been doomed to share an awkward meal with him had she not informed him that she needed to get back to the library and catalog some books before next period.

Kepler fell for the excuse, like the doofus he is.

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