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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Some Engineer Currently Designing Better ESPN Telestrator Instead Of Surgical Equipment

BRISTOL, CT—Despite the medical field's growing need for better real-time imaging technology, faster-acting broad-spectrum protein-identification lasers, and portable cancer-marker biosensors, at least one guy who's more than qualified for the job is currently slapping together a better telestration array for ESPN, sources said Tuesday. "I think we could probably scan the field with point-focused IR sources and get a rough 3-D image of the play in progress," a man capable of developing equipment that could help surgeons locate difficult-to-find metastatic melanomas said while gazing at a scale model of Chicago's Soldier Field. "This'll be a lifesaver to the guys in the booth." Elsewhere on the ESPN campus, a group of professionals with the analytical and statistical-modeling know-how to make the American manufacturing sector commercially viable again were put to work calculating the Pittsburgh Pirates' chances of winning the 2012 World Series.

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