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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Some Engineer Currently Designing Better ESPN Telestrator Instead Of Surgical Equipment

BRISTOL, CT—Despite the medical field's growing need for better real-time imaging technology, faster-acting broad-spectrum protein-identification lasers, and portable cancer-marker biosensors, at least one guy who's more than qualified for the job is currently slapping together a better telestration array for ESPN, sources said Tuesday. "I think we could probably scan the field with point-focused IR sources and get a rough 3-D image of the play in progress," a man capable of developing equipment that could help surgeons locate difficult-to-find metastatic melanomas said while gazing at a scale model of Chicago's Soldier Field. "This'll be a lifesaver to the guys in the booth." Elsewhere on the ESPN campus, a group of professionals with the analytical and statistical-modeling know-how to make the American manufacturing sector commercially viable again were put to work calculating the Pittsburgh Pirates' chances of winning the 2012 World Series.

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