Some Engineer Currently Designing Better ESPN Telestrator Instead Of Surgical Equipment

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Vol 48 Issue 18

This Is Fun, Right?

GSN 8:00 p.m. EST/7:00 p.m. CST Host Jon Barton can’t tell if contestants are having a good time, so he tries to think of fun games for them to play.

Mosquitoes Don't Even Need To Bite Us, Study Shows

MINNEAPOLIS—According to a study published Friday by researchers at the University of Minnesota, mosquitoes have no physiological reason to bite humans, and in fact do so only out of spite. "For years, entomologists assumed members of the ...

DEA Forgets Man In Cell For 4 Days

The Drug Enforcement Agency apologized to 23-year-old Daniel Chong for leaving him locked alone in a cell without food, water, or a toilet for four days.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Some Engineer Currently Designing Better ESPN Telestrator Instead Of Surgical Equipment

BRISTOL, CT—Despite the medical field's growing need for better real-time imaging technology, faster-acting broad-spectrum protein-identification lasers, and portable cancer-marker biosensors, at least one guy who's more than qualified for the job is currently slapping together a better telestration array for ESPN, sources said Tuesday. "I think we could probably scan the field with point-focused IR sources and get a rough 3-D image of the play in progress," a man capable of developing equipment that could help surgeons locate difficult-to-find metastatic melanomas said while gazing at a scale model of Chicago's Soldier Field. "This'll be a lifesaver to the guys in the booth." Elsewhere on the ESPN campus, a group of professionals with the analytical and statistical-modeling know-how to make the American manufacturing sector commercially viable again were put to work calculating the Pittsburgh Pirates' chances of winning the 2012 World Series.

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