Some Fucking Guy At Warner Bros. Wondering What Shooting Of 12 Means For Ticket Sales

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Vol 48 Issue 29

The Pretending Hour

NBC 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT Two people dress up like investigators and pretend to track a made-up murderer with the help of costumes, fake guns, and names different than their birth names

Big Money!

Game Show 8:00 p.m. EDT/7:00 p.m. CDT Host Kirk Newcloud counts and stacks $100,000 cash on a table before an exultant studio audience.

Microsoft Announces First-Ever Quarterly Loss

Software giant Microsoft reported a quarterly loss for the first time since the company went public in 1986, losing $492 million in the most recent quarter due to a major write-down in its online division.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

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Some Fucking Guy At Warner Bros. Wondering What Shooting Of 12 Means For Ticket Sales

LOS ANGELES—According to sources, some soulless fucking piece of shit at Warner Bros. is wondering how last night's tragic shooting of 12 people at a screening of Dark Knight Rises will affect ticket sales for the blockbuster film. "God, I hope this doesn't ruin our shot at the opening weekend box office record,” said the unimaginable asshole, noting that the cold-blooded murder of a dozen innocent people could deter moviegoers from seeing the film with friends throughout the weekend. "At least the international numbers will still be very strong. We can take comfort in that.” At press time, the oily, subhuman son of a bitch was reassuring coworkers the movie would definitely still finish number one in North American box office receipts for 2012.

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