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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Some Guy At Bar Lived In San Francisco For A Summer And Liked It A Lot

PITTSBURGH—Calling it “a great city” and saying that he could definitely see himself moving back there one day, some guy at local bar Casey’s Draft House lived in San Francisco for a summer and really liked it, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Oh, you talking about San Francisco? I lived there for a summer when I was doing an internship, back in, like, I think it was 2010,” said the guy, who then went on to talk about Golden Gate Park and the “amazing” Mexican food he used to pick up in the Mission. “What’s awesome about San Francisco is that it’s got all these cool little neighborhoods and they’re all within walking distance of each other, so it doesn’t feel like you’re stuck in a big city. And you’re right on the water the whole time. It’s great. I love San Francisco.” At press time, the guy had turned around and was talking to someone else now.

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