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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Some Guy At Bar Lived In San Francisco For A Summer And Liked It A Lot

PITTSBURGH—Calling it “a great city” and saying that he could definitely see himself moving back there one day, some guy at local bar Casey’s Draft House lived in San Francisco for a summer and really liked it, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Oh, you talking about San Francisco? I lived there for a summer when I was doing an internship, back in, like, I think it was 2010,” said the guy, who then went on to talk about Golden Gate Park and the “amazing” Mexican food he used to pick up in the Mission. “What’s awesome about San Francisco is that it’s got all these cool little neighborhoods and they’re all within walking distance of each other, so it doesn’t feel like you’re stuck in a big city. And you’re right on the water the whole time. It’s great. I love San Francisco.” At press time, the guy had turned around and was talking to someone else now.

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