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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Some Guy Wearing Packers Uniform Throws For 328 Yards

DETROIT—Much to the surprise and confusion of everyone in attendance at Ford Field last Sunday, an unknown man wearing an official No. 12 Packers uniform complete with pads, a helmet, and cleats appeared to play quarterback for Green Bay, completing 24 of 38 passes for 328 yards and scoring three touchdowns against the Lions. Broadcast footage provided by Fox Sports clearly shows the guy walking onto the field and lining up behind the center in full view of security officials, who made no attempt to stop the him. The man ran the Packers offense with apparent familiarity, instructing players in the huddle, throwing the ball with remarkable strength and precision, and showing good judgment in either throwing the ball away or scrambling past defenders for first downs while leading the Packers to a 48-25 victory. The guy wearing the Packers uniform, who disappeared into the locker room after the game, is the first unknown individual to quarterback the Packers since 1992, when Brett Favre took over from some dude who was injured in a game against the Bengals.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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