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Some Guy Who's Not Stephen Colbert To Deliver College's Commencement Speech

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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Some Guy Who's Not Stephen Colbert To Deliver College's Commencement Speech

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Penn State students were devastated Monday to learn that their commencement speaker will be "some dork scientist" who discovered DNA, authored the groundbreaking book The Double Helix, helped establish the Human Genome Project, and is not late-night talk-show host Stephen Colbert. "This is so lame," said senior biochemistry major Beth Reiss, whose hero ever since she discovered her love for science has been Stephen Colbert. "We didn't work our butts off in the lab for four years to sit and listen to some brainiac without his own insanely popular television show." As of press time, the Nobel Prize–winning nobody was deliberating over perhaps opening his commencement speech with a joke.

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