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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Some Kind Of Smart-Ass Wearing Kevin Kolb Jersey

BUFFALO, NY—Speculating that he must think he’s “real goddamn funny,” observers at Overtime Sports Bar & Grill confirmed Monday that a man is walking around wearing a Kevin Kolb jersey like some kind of smart-ass. “Looks like we’ve got a grade-A wise guy on our hands,” said Joe Phillabaum, 32, adding that the “fucking guy actually spent 120 dollars for this one joke.” “A Kevin Kolb jersey. Yeah, we get it, pal. Good one. Why don’t you go attend a game and get him to autograph a football while you’re at it? Cocky fucker.” At press time, Phillabaum had walked over to shake the asshole’s hand and congratulate him on making everyone in the whole bar laugh.

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