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Something Apparently Going On With Mom And Her Best Friend

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Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.
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Something Apparently Going On With Mom And Her Best Friend

They’re In A Fight Or Something

Family members say they haven’t seen Mom and Ellen together since they went to that garden show a few weeks back.
Family members say they haven’t seen Mom and Ellen together since they went to that garden show a few weeks back.

SEWICKLEY, PA—Noting the abrupt cessation of nightly phone calls and general references to her longtime confidante, household sources confirmed Wednesday that something is evidently going on between local mom Catherine Bowen, 51, and her best friend Ellen Kearns, 50.

According to family members, Mom and Ellen have always been “super close” and do stuff together every week. Daughter Emily Bowen, 15, told reporters that the two women, who have known each other since college or possibly even high school, probably got into it at some point or another and must not be getting along.

“It definitely seems like something is up with Mom and Ellen,” said the teenager, who confirmed that she did not know what the deal was between the two friends. “They usually get coffee and go for a walk a couple times a week, but they haven’t lately.”

“And Mom has been a little more uptight recently,” added Emily. “I have no idea what’s going on.”

Though sources could not identify the origin or precise nature of a potential falling out, family members suggested it was very likely that something or other happened, because the two friends had not gone shopping for a couple of weeks at the Basket Loft or that one stationery store they both like so much. In addition, reports indicate Mom recently skipped the monthly Bunco Night at Ellen’s house.

Sources also told reporters it was likely that one or possibly both of the women’s feelings might have been hurt.

“Sometimes they can get on each other’s nerves,” said Lauren Bowen, 18, adding that Ellen gripes about tons of stuff and Mom tends to be somewhat bossy toward her friend. “I don’t know what this one’s about, but if they miss Art In The Park this Sunday, I’d say it’s pretty severe.”

“I heard Dad mention Ellen, and Mom just kind of whispered something back and he dropped it,” Lauren continued.

According to those close to the situation, this is not the first time that something has been going on with Mom and Ellen. Family members confirmed that a heated phone conversation overheard while Mom was pacing on the front porch in 2008 resulted in the middle-aged best friends ceasing contact for several weeks. Sources verified that the spat was probably over a timeshare in Tampa or who would bring some kind of casserole to a church thing.

Bowen family members said that Mom calls and vents to her other good friend Georgia Bedo, 51, whenever she and Ellen hit a rough patch.

“She’s been talking to Georgia more now,” said 52-year-old husband Paul Bowen. “That means something is not going well with Ellen. This happens from time to time.”

“I think this could be a bad one,” he continued, explaining that during a typical tiff, his wife will rekindle her relationship with Georgia for anywhere from two days to multiple weeks, depending on the severity of her flap with Ellen. “She was making plans with Georgia to go to the outlets. That’s certainly not a good sign.”

Family sources confirmed that things between the middle-aged pair were “real bad” as of press time, as Bowen had finished reorganizing her closet and was seen leaving for a walk to the frozen yogurt shop, alone.

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