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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Something Apparently Going On With Mom And Her Best Friend

They’re In A Fight Or Something

Family members say they haven’t seen Mom and Ellen together since they went to that garden show a few weeks back.
Family members say they haven’t seen Mom and Ellen together since they went to that garden show a few weeks back.

SEWICKLEY, PA—Noting the abrupt cessation of nightly phone calls and general references to her longtime confidante, household sources confirmed Wednesday that something is evidently going on between local mom Catherine Bowen, 51, and her best friend Ellen Kearns, 50.

According to family members, Mom and Ellen have always been “super close” and do stuff together every week. Daughter Emily Bowen, 15, told reporters that the two women, who have known each other since college or possibly even high school, probably got into it at some point or another and must not be getting along.

“It definitely seems like something is up with Mom and Ellen,” said the teenager, who confirmed that she did not know what the deal was between the two friends. “They usually get coffee and go for a walk a couple times a week, but they haven’t lately.”

“And Mom has been a little more uptight recently,” added Emily. “I have no idea what’s going on.”

Though sources could not identify the origin or precise nature of a potential falling out, family members suggested it was very likely that something or other happened, because the two friends had not gone shopping for a couple of weeks at the Basket Loft or that one stationery store they both like so much. In addition, reports indicate Mom recently skipped the monthly Bunco Night at Ellen’s house.

Sources also told reporters it was likely that one or possibly both of the women’s feelings might have been hurt.

“Sometimes they can get on each other’s nerves,” said Lauren Bowen, 18, adding that Ellen gripes about tons of stuff and Mom tends to be somewhat bossy toward her friend. “I don’t know what this one’s about, but if they miss Art In The Park this Sunday, I’d say it’s pretty severe.”

“I heard Dad mention Ellen, and Mom just kind of whispered something back and he dropped it,” Lauren continued.

According to those close to the situation, this is not the first time that something has been going on with Mom and Ellen. Family members confirmed that a heated phone conversation overheard while Mom was pacing on the front porch in 2008 resulted in the middle-aged best friends ceasing contact for several weeks. Sources verified that the spat was probably over a timeshare in Tampa or who would bring some kind of casserole to a church thing.

Bowen family members said that Mom calls and vents to her other good friend Georgia Bedo, 51, whenever she and Ellen hit a rough patch.

“She’s been talking to Georgia more now,” said 52-year-old husband Paul Bowen. “That means something is not going well with Ellen. This happens from time to time.”

“I think this could be a bad one,” he continued, explaining that during a typical tiff, his wife will rekindle her relationship with Georgia for anywhere from two days to multiple weeks, depending on the severity of her flap with Ellen. “She was making plans with Georgia to go to the outlets. That’s certainly not a good sign.”

Family sources confirmed that things between the middle-aged pair were “real bad” as of press time, as Bowen had finished reorganizing her closet and was seen leaving for a walk to the frozen yogurt shop, alone.

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