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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Something Weird About Local Anchorman's Eyes

JOPLIN, MO—According to KODE-TV News At Five viewer JoBeth Anson, there's something weird about anchorman Mort Bonds' eyes. "I can't quite put my finger on it," Anson said. "It's like the eyes are looking in slightly different directions, like one is glass. Or maybe it's that one's a little higher than the other. Whatever it is, something's off." Anson expressed confidence that she will figure it out soon.

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