Something Wrong With Literally Everything In Apartment

Top Headlines


Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween

‘He Himself Is The Costume,’ Say Amazed Onlookers

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Brilliantly subverting the very idea of a costume, conceptual genius Mark Richards, 27, reportedly stunned his fellow partygoers Friday when he announced that he had dressed as himself for Halloween.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Election 2016


Something Wrong With Literally Everything In Apartment

Kelly and Epting say the shower barely draining is only a problem when one person needs to use it right after the other.
Kelly and Epting say the shower barely draining is only a problem when one person needs to use it right after the other.

SOMERVILLE, MA—According to the residents of 117 Maple St., Unit No. 2, literally every appliance, fixture, surface, and structural feature in their apartment is defective to some degree.

Tenants Justin Kelly and Luke Epting told reporters Wednesday that the two-bedroom apartment's myriad flaws range from cosmetic issues such as uneven floorboards and ceiling stains, to slightly more bothersome problems like the poor cell phone reception in the bedrooms and the fact that the electrical sockets only have two prongs.

"The walls have a few nicks on them, and you have to pry open the tray on the DVD player with your fingers if you want to watch a movie," said Kelly, 27, adding that during winter months they have to put a bowl under the radiator to collect water that leaks from the supply pipe. "And sometimes the living room light doesn't work, but not because the bulb is burnt out. You just have to flick the switch on and off a few times real quick and wait for the pop sound before the light turns on."

"It's weird, but that's what you have to do," Kelly continued.

The two roommates told reporters the vast majority of the flaws are easily worked around, explaining that over the course of their 22-month occupancy they've gradually gotten used to the shrieking hot-water pipes and having to plug the drafty windows with bath towels. Kelly and Epting added that only a few items are considered completely unusable, including the entryway intercom, two of the four stove-top burners, both residents' printers, and most of the lamps.

"There are a few issues, but it's not like we won't be getting our security deposit back or anything," Kelly said. "So long as we don't burn the place down, anyway."

None of the apartment's three smoke alarms was fully functional at press time.

While noting that each of the rooms possesses its own array of unique imperfections, Epting suggested that the bathroom likely contains the most defects.

"Some of the tiles are missing, and you can see the showerhead is rubber-banded on," said the 26-year-old paralegal, noting that the thick layer of condensation on the toilet was "pretty normal," and that sometimes the bathroom sink has really low water pressure even if you turn the hot and cold water up all the way. "Also, you have to grab the doorknob and lift it up to close the door. Otherwise it will open up on you while you're in there."

"The thing that's kind of annoying is that it's really hot in there all the time," added Epting, raising his voice above the buzz of the overhead lighting. "But luckily it's right off the kitchen, which is always freezing, so it balances out."

Although Kelly and Epting admitted that the discoloration behind the kitchen sink was spreading and that the lock on the apartment's front door had grown increasingly "temperamental," they said that the apartment was in a great location and well worth the $1,400 rent.

"None of it's so bad that we need to call somebody to get it fixed," Kelly said. "It's just small stuff. Like there's this one nail in the hallway that keeps coming back up every couple weeks, and sometimes I'll stub my toe or tear a sock on it. I tried to knock it back in, but the hammer's a piece of shit and the head keeps coming off."

Unlike the apartment's two primary residents, Epting's girlfriend of five months, Liz Fehrenbach, 25, admitted that she remains unsettled by the problems.

"The apartment really doesn't get any natural light, but when it does, it's so bright that you can't watch the TV because of all the glare, and the entire apartment just feels like an oven," said Fehrenbach, adding that the wireless Internet the residents steal from their downstairs neighbors only seems to work in the living room and hallway. "I still always forget that you can't use the toaster and microwave at the same time or else the power goes out."

"But at least I barely ever notice that weird garbage smell anymore," Fehrenbach continued.

When asked for comment, landlord Frank Czerniak stated that he planned to raise the rent by $250 a month when the current lease expires in May.