Something Wrong With Literally Everything In Apartment

Top Headlines

Local

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Preparedness

  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Technology

Something Wrong With Literally Everything In Apartment

Kelly and Epting say the shower barely draining is only a problem when one person needs to use it right after the other.
Kelly and Epting say the shower barely draining is only a problem when one person needs to use it right after the other.

SOMERVILLE, MA—According to the residents of 117 Maple St., Unit No. 2, literally every appliance, fixture, surface, and structural feature in their apartment is defective to some degree.

Tenants Justin Kelly and Luke Epting told reporters Wednesday that the two-bedroom apartment's myriad flaws range from cosmetic issues such as uneven floorboards and ceiling stains, to slightly more bothersome problems like the poor cell phone reception in the bedrooms and the fact that the electrical sockets only have two prongs.

"The walls have a few nicks on them, and you have to pry open the tray on the DVD player with your fingers if you want to watch a movie," said Kelly, 27, adding that during winter months they have to put a bowl under the radiator to collect water that leaks from the supply pipe. "And sometimes the living room light doesn't work, but not because the bulb is burnt out. You just have to flick the switch on and off a few times real quick and wait for the pop sound before the light turns on."

"It's weird, but that's what you have to do," Kelly continued.

The two roommates told reporters the vast majority of the flaws are easily worked around, explaining that over the course of their 22-month occupancy they've gradually gotten used to the shrieking hot-water pipes and having to plug the drafty windows with bath towels. Kelly and Epting added that only a few items are considered completely unusable, including the entryway intercom, two of the four stove-top burners, both residents' printers, and most of the lamps.

"There are a few issues, but it's not like we won't be getting our security deposit back or anything," Kelly said. "So long as we don't burn the place down, anyway."

None of the apartment's three smoke alarms was fully functional at press time.

While noting that each of the rooms possesses its own array of unique imperfections, Epting suggested that the bathroom likely contains the most defects.

"Some of the tiles are missing, and you can see the showerhead is rubber-banded on," said the 26-year-old paralegal, noting that the thick layer of condensation on the toilet was "pretty normal," and that sometimes the bathroom sink has really low water pressure even if you turn the hot and cold water up all the way. "Also, you have to grab the doorknob and lift it up to close the door. Otherwise it will open up on you while you're in there."

"The thing that's kind of annoying is that it's really hot in there all the time," added Epting, raising his voice above the buzz of the overhead lighting. "But luckily it's right off the kitchen, which is always freezing, so it balances out."

Although Kelly and Epting admitted that the discoloration behind the kitchen sink was spreading and that the lock on the apartment's front door had grown increasingly "temperamental," they said that the apartment was in a great location and well worth the $1,400 rent.

"None of it's so bad that we need to call somebody to get it fixed," Kelly said. "It's just small stuff. Like there's this one nail in the hallway that keeps coming back up every couple weeks, and sometimes I'll stub my toe or tear a sock on it. I tried to knock it back in, but the hammer's a piece of shit and the head keeps coming off."

Unlike the apartment's two primary residents, Epting's girlfriend of five months, Liz Fehrenbach, 25, admitted that she remains unsettled by the problems.

"The apartment really doesn't get any natural light, but when it does, it's so bright that you can't watch the TV because of all the glare, and the entire apartment just feels like an oven," said Fehrenbach, adding that the wireless Internet the residents steal from their downstairs neighbors only seems to work in the living room and hallway. "I still always forget that you can't use the toaster and microwave at the same time or else the power goes out."

"But at least I barely ever notice that weird garbage smell anymore," Fehrenbach continued.

When asked for comment, landlord Frank Czerniak stated that he planned to raise the rent by $250 a month when the current lease expires in May.

Next Story