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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

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Sometimes, Area Woman Just Feels...

The way things have been lately…with all that she has going on…Slota can't even tell anymore if, oh, never mind.
The way things have been lately…with all that she has going on…Slota can't even tell anymore if, oh, never mind.

BELMONT, NH—Stating that she wasn’t in the best place right now, and that things have been sort of you know, Belmont resident Megan Slota announced Thursday that sometimes she just feels….

Due to a general sense of…well, it’s hard to explain, the 28-year-old dental hygienist reported that she just needed to work some stuff out, and that she would probably be a little I don’t know for a couple weeks or so.

“It’s not anybody’s fault, honestly,” said Slota, standing in her kitchen and holding a mug of tea with both hands. “Sometimes I just get like this where it’s like I’m not, I guess, whatever. We don’t have to get into it right now.”

Added Slota, “I’m really, like, argh, I don’t know.”

After that thing with Dave on Thursday, people were concerned that Slota was in a weird place, which she initially denied. But Slota later admitted that she was just taking some time to figure things out and needed a little space, but it’s not like she wanted people to leave her alone or anything like that.

“I had a really good talk with Debra,” Slota said. “She’s such a good friend. It’s good to know I have someone like her. It’s just a crazy time right now. And I’ve been really busy with work, too, so that hasn’t helped.”

While admitting that it must suck to have to deal with her lately, Slota said that she appreciates everyone’s patience while she sorts all of this stuff out. Sources close to the sort of spacey, sort of—oh gosh, what would you even call it—distracted woman confirm that it’s always the same this time of year, because of her dad.

“I worry about Megan,” longtime friend Alex Polson said. “Times like this, she can get a little strange. Not strange strange, but still kind of strange where you’re like, ‘Huh?’ But you know what? She’s tough. She’ll get through all this and be back to her old self in no time.”

Though she’s been kind of blah lately, especially at the family thing where she had to be on her best behavior, friends and coworkers have been understanding about what’s going on with her, and want to let her know they’re there if she needs help moving, or needs someone to go shopping with her, or just wants to hang out and not talk about the thing that happened with Samantha last week.

“You know, it’s like when you’re just,” Slota said. “You feel one way but then you’re also sort of, I don’t know, maybe it’s just one of those things. And you don’t want to force it, right? I feel like you just have to accept it sometimes, I guess.”

“It is what it is,” she added.

Regardless of the thing that’s, oh, whatever, it’ll pass eventually, Slota maintained that she’s forging ahead and taking things one day at a time.

Dr. Andrei Robinson, author of the book It’s, Well, I’m Not Sure How To Describe It, Really, says that Slota’s condition is not uncommon.

“As a therapist, I’m seeing more and more patients with problems and conditions related to Ms. Slota’s,” Dr. Robinson said. “But ultimately, there’s not a lot I can do for them. It’s just another facet of this, whatever it is. You can’t understand the, you know, well, anything, really. It’s all too much sometimes, but it’s her deal. She’s got to work through it. We’ve all been there, right?”

“I don’t know,” Dr. Robinson added. “Does that make sense?”

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