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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Son Conned Out Of Allowance For Seventh Consecutive Week

MISSOULA, MT—For the seventh week in a row, Bill Trusky cheated his son Shane out of the boy's $3 allowance, the 8-year-old's father said Monday. "Sorry, Shane, I said it was double or nothing if you could sneeze with your eyes open," Trusky said. "But I'll tell you what: If you can mow the lawn—front and back—in 20 minutes, I'll pay you triple." Household sources report that Shane might have completed the task had Trusky not hurled a croquet ball in the mower's path 10 feet before his son finished.

After Birth

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