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Son Of Edward R. Murrow Says Father 'Real Dirtbag' Compared To Onion Reporters

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.
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Son Of Edward R. Murrow Says Father 'Real Dirtbag' Compared To Onion Reporters

SAN FRANCISCO—In an exclusive interview Tuesday, Internet executive Paul Murrow admitted that his revered journalist father, Edward R. Murrow, was a real dirtbag and a huge piece of garbage compared to the brave and tireless reporters at The Onion. “There's no comparison,” said the 58-year-old Murrow, his voice quivering as he expressed praise for the hard work and unflappable commitment to reportage exhibited by the entire Onion staff. “He was a good man, a great father, and a fantastic journalist, but compared to what The Onion does every day, he was a leaky pail of shit. I can't believe I looked up to him. Why couldn’t someone from The Onion have been my father?" Murrow added that he'd like nothing more than to rename his father's namesake journalism award to “The Onion Prize,” but said there could never possibly be an applicant worth bestowing The Onion name upon.

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