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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Son, 'Sports Illustrated' Swimsuit Issue Consummate Relationship

BURLINGTON, VT—After experiencing several months of strong sexual attraction, Joey Grafman, 13, and his father's copy of Sports Illustrated's 2012 swimsuit issue consummated their relationship late Saturday night in the eighth-grader's bedroom, household sources confirmed. "It got pretty hot and heavy for us last night, and we decided to take it to the next level," said Grafman, who has been pursuing the swimsuit issue since the two shared several fleeting, lustful glances upon its delivery in February. "We waited, but it was worth it, and we both know that last night was only the beginning of something very special." Prospects for the couple's future remained uncertain, however, with eyewitnesses reporting that while Grafman "seemed really into it," the magazine was less enthusiastic and "just lay there" throughout the entire encounter.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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