adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Son, 'Sports Illustrated' Swimsuit Issue Consummate Relationship

BURLINGTON, VT—After experiencing several months of strong sexual attraction, Joey Grafman, 13, and his father's copy of Sports Illustrated's 2012 swimsuit issue consummated their relationship late Saturday night in the eighth-grader's bedroom, household sources confirmed. "It got pretty hot and heavy for us last night, and we decided to take it to the next level," said Grafman, who has been pursuing the swimsuit issue since the two shared several fleeting, lustful glances upon its delivery in February. "We waited, but it was worth it, and we both know that last night was only the beginning of something very special." Prospects for the couple's future remained uncertain, however, with eyewitnesses reporting that while Grafman "seemed really into it," the magazine was less enthusiastic and "just lay there" throughout the entire encounter.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close