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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.
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Son, 'Sports Illustrated' Swimsuit Issue Consummate Relationship

BURLINGTON, VT—After experiencing several months of strong sexual attraction, Joey Grafman, 13, and his father's copy of Sports Illustrated's 2012 swimsuit issue consummated their relationship late Saturday night in the eighth-grader's bedroom, household sources confirmed. "It got pretty hot and heavy for us last night, and we decided to take it to the next level," said Grafman, who has been pursuing the swimsuit issue since the two shared several fleeting, lustful glances upon its delivery in February. "We waited, but it was worth it, and we both know that last night was only the beginning of something very special." Prospects for the couple's future remained uncertain, however, with eyewitnesses reporting that while Grafman "seemed really into it," the magazine was less enthusiastic and "just lay there" throughout the entire encounter.

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