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It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

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With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

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Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.
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Song About Heroin Used To Advertise Bank

BOSTON–The soul-wrenching experience of recovery from heroin addiction was used to evoke the financial security of a major banking institution Monday, when Boston-based Metrobank launched a high-profile ad campaign featuring "Lust for Life" by seminal '70s proto-punk Iggy Pop.

A scene from the new Metrobank ad, which features a song by longtime heroin addict Iggy Pop (inset).

"We needed something that conveyed Metrobank's global financial presence, high-powered transaction capabilities, and respected position throughout the business community," said Jared Morris, president of Ogilvy & Mather, the spot's creator. "So, we thought, what better way than to call to mind punk forefather Iggy Pop's long, terrifying struggle with a near-fatal heroin habit?"

The 30-second spot, which premiered Monday during Everybody Loves Raymond, features images of gleaming skyscrapers, money changing hands, and businessmen on cell phones striding confidently down marble hallways. Notably absent from the ad is any footage of a shirtless, bleeding Iggy Pop in skintight leopard-print pants, repeatedly bashing himself in the face with a microphone onstage at the legendary New York punk venue CBGB's.

Ian Hammond, who masterminded Global Tetrahedron Financial's acquisition of Metrobank earlier this year, rolled out the new campaign with a reception at the company's headquarters.

"We at Metrobank are proud to welcome Mr. Pop to the Global Tetrahedron family," said Hammond, reading from a prepared statement. "We feel confident that this new commercial, much like Mr. Pop's exploits as the rolling-through-broken-glass frontman for The Stooges, will greatly appeal to our valued customers' 'lust for life.'"

Added Hammond: "Putting your trust in a financial institution other than Metrobank, well, that's like hypnotizing chickens."

The spot is part of a growing trend among advertisers to utilize songs associated with hardcore needle drugs. Among the notable heroin-themed songs featured in recent commercials: Jane's Addiction's "Jane Says," with its chorus of "I'm gonna kick tomorrow," for Motorola two-way pagers; The Velvet Underground's copping-heroin-in-Harlem anthem "I'm Waiting for The Man," for the 2002 Jeep Grand Cherokee; and Neil Young's "The Needle And The Damage Done," for the men's hair-replacement medication Rogaine.

"When The Rolling Stones sing, 'The sunshine bores the daylights out of me' on Exile On Main Street's 'Rocks Off,' they're singing about the deadening effects of narcotics addiction and their powerlessness to escape it," said Dennis Frazier, creative director of Foote, Cone & Belding. "Such sentiments resonate profoundly with the American consumer. That's why 'Rocks Off' is perfect for Procter & Gamble's new line of children's shampoos."

Whether Metrobank's $11 million ad gamble will pay off in the long run remains to be seen, but so far, focus-group feedback has been overwhelmingly positive. The campaign has already helped cement the mainstreaming of heroin-themed advertising, with more ambitious campaigns currently in the works.

"As junkie author William S. Burroughs conveyed in his hallucinatory prose, the staggering physical and emotional emptiness of drug addiction represents the escapist impulse turned savagely back upon itself, leading inexorably to nihilism, anhedonia, and the eventual nullification of the addict's essential humanity," said Ellen Weston, a media consultant for C&C Marketing in L.A. "This is why we're seeing passages from Naked Lunch featured in the new print campaign for Reebok."

Continued Weston: "Perhaps Lou Reed put it best when he said, 'Heroin will be the death of me / It's my wife, and it's my life.' For Reed, life and love become the same as death, and this 'living death,' if you will, really resonates with the American buying public in a deep and powerful way. It's not surprising, then, that there's such a huge bidding war between Coke and Pepsi for rights to Johnny Thunders' 'Chinese Rocks.'"

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