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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Song Crafted In The Deepest Pit Of Hell Wins Big At Grammys

LOS ANGELES—A song forged by the Ruler of Darkness himself in the blackest bowels of the accursed underworld proved to be the big winner at the 55th Annual Grammy Awards Sunday, taking home an impressive six of the music industry’s top honors, including Song of the Year and Best Pop Solo Performance. “This was a huge night for [the fallen angel Lucifer],” said E! Online reporter Alyssa Toomey, praising the three-minute single formed from the Wicked One’s own acidic bile and the tortured shrieks of the eternally damned, which was spewed forth from the ninth circle of Hell last year and spent 10 weeks at number one on the Billboard Hot 100. “It was a great show all around, but at the end of the evening it was all about [the Great Deceiver, Father of Lies]. Make no mistake, [the King of the Bottomless Pit] has still got it.” The infernal track of pure evil capped its amazing night with a victory in the show’s most coveted category, Record of the Year, beating out five other songs also produced by Satan.

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