adBlockCheck

Entertainment

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
End Of Section
  • More News

Songs That Are Always On In Background Expected To Win Big At Grammys

LOS ANGELES—With the 56th Grammy Awards just days away, industry experts are predicting that the songs that are always playing at moderate volume from ceiling-mounted speakers in retailers, gas station canopies, and mall food courts will take home the biggest awards at Sunday’s ceremony. “It is bound to be a huge night for that song that was playing in the movie theater before they started the trailers and the other one that you kind of know from when you go out to eat lunch—both are virtual locks for Grammy gold,” said L.A. Times music critic Randall Roberts, who noted that the song from that car commercial that your coworker sometimes absentmindedly hums was a also a strong contender for Record of the Year. “Any of the songs that you’ve learned most of the chorus to through shopping at clothing stores or supermarkets but couldn’t actually name—those are the ones you should be watching Sunday night. Basically, if you’ve heard a Jeep go by blaring it a couple of times in the past few months, it is almost certain to take the night’s top honors.” Roberts confirmed that the songs that you turn on to drown out those in the background were not nominated.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings