Songs That Are Always On In Background Expected To Win Big At Grammys

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Vol 50 Issue 03

Jay Z Honored To Be Nominated In Same Category As Jay Z

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he was thrilled to be considered alongside such a talented and respected musician, hip-hop artist and 2014 Best Rap Album Grammy nominee Jay Z told reporters today that he feels “deeply honored” to be nominated in...

Lunchbox Mostly Medication

Inclement weather prevents a liar from getting to work, thousands of athletes who will disgrace their country eagerly train for the Winter Olympics, and a lunchbox is mostly medication.

Mascot Absolutely Reeks

SYRACUSE, NY—Saying that they probably never clean the thing, sources confirmed Friday that Syracuse University’s mascot Otto the Orange absolutely reeked as he wove his way in and out of stands.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Songs That Are Always On In Background Expected To Win Big At Grammys

LOS ANGELES—With the 56th Grammy Awards just days away, industry experts are predicting that the songs that are always playing at moderate volume from ceiling-mounted speakers in retailers, gas station canopies, and mall food courts will take home the biggest awards at Sunday’s ceremony. “It is bound to be a huge night for that song that was playing in the movie theater before they started the trailers and the other one that you kind of know from when you go out to eat lunch—both are virtual locks for Grammy gold,” said L.A. Times music critic Randall Roberts, who noted that the song from that car commercial that your coworker sometimes absentmindedly hums was a also a strong contender for Record of the Year. “Any of the songs that you’ve learned most of the chorus to through shopping at clothing stores or supermarkets but couldn’t actually name—those are the ones you should be watching Sunday night. Basically, if you’ve heard a Jeep go by blaring it a couple of times in the past few months, it is almost certain to take the night’s top honors.” Roberts confirmed that the songs that you turn on to drown out those in the background were not nominated.

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