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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Songs That Are Always On In Background Expected To Win Big At Grammys

LOS ANGELES—With the 56th Grammy Awards just days away, industry experts are predicting that the songs that are always playing at moderate volume from ceiling-mounted speakers in retailers, gas station canopies, and mall food courts will take home the biggest awards at Sunday’s ceremony. “It is bound to be a huge night for that song that was playing in the movie theater before they started the trailers and the other one that you kind of know from when you go out to eat lunch—both are virtual locks for Grammy gold,” said L.A. Times music critic Randall Roberts, who noted that the song from that car commercial that your coworker sometimes absentmindedly hums was a also a strong contender for Record of the Year. “Any of the songs that you’ve learned most of the chorus to through shopping at clothing stores or supermarkets but couldn’t actually name—those are the ones you should be watching Sunday night. Basically, if you’ve heard a Jeep go by blaring it a couple of times in the past few months, it is almost certain to take the night’s top honors.” Roberts confirmed that the songs that you turn on to drown out those in the background were not nominated.

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