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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Sonic Booms

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

MDID

(Scat)

First, MDID is a one-man band that’s been recording since 1985. Second, MDID stands for My Dad Is Dead, but self-named band leader Mark Edwards abbreviated the name after repeatedly being asked what it meant. Third, Edwards sounds a lot like Joy Division’s Ian Curtis. One would assume the floodgates for musical pretension would be wide open. That may be true, but Edwards is adept at blending low-fi punk hooks with challenging guitar and monotone vocals. It’s dirty, it’s pretty, it’s an intense listening experience, and thankfully the lyrics aren’t as embittered as one might expect. —JG

Buy This Used Compact Disc:

A Dutch East India Sampler

Various Artists

(Dutch East India Trading)

As CDs get more expensive and major record labels clamp down on the sale of used CDs, some indies have smartly decided to retaliate on the consumer’s behalf. Dischord Records sells its discs mail order at half most albums’ list price. Cruz Records also charges a reduced list and offers advertising support for stores that carry used CDs. Now the well-known indie distributor Dutch East India has given greedy majors another kick in the pants. Buy This Used Compact Disc, a generous compilation featuring 22 artists and 73 minutes of music, sells for a ludicrously paltry $5.98—$5.98! Stores who carry the disc will be given extras to sell in used bins, and why the hell not? The artists—which include Sebadoh, Unrest and Uncle Tupelo, as well as numerous good bands on the label—will get the exposure they deserve. And for once, consumers don’t get screwed. —ST

In Search of Manny

Luscious Jackson

(Grand Royal/Capitol)

The idea of a Jewish, feminist, stoner, hip-hop act might sound like a recipe for disaster, but In Search of Manny is as shit-hot as shit-hot gets. Released on The Beastie Boys’ Grand Royal label, this album ranges from acoustic folk crooning to stylin’ slick sex rhymes, and joins the Beasties and 3rd Bass in offsetting the damage done by Marky Mark, Vanilla Ice, and numerous other white rap acts. The psychedelic dance track “Let Yourself Get Down” samples Schooly D’s “Saturday Night,” one of the dopest beats in history. Luscious Jackson is both yummy and nummy. —TH

Chairman of the Bored

Various Artists

(Grass)

If you haven’t yet bought yourself a present in honor of Frank Sinatra’s 78th birthday, consider this compilation, a backhanded compliment from 41 different bands. Ranging from eclectic (Kramer, Girls Against Boys) to obscure (Pool, Nod) to cult (Flaming Lips, Ed Hall), all the artists combine respect for Sinatra’s showmanship with contempt for the man himself. The results are great fun, especially Screeching Weasel’s blast through “Chicago” and Lotion’s surprisingly faithful take on “Fly Me To the Moon.” Important ironic trivia fact: Not even one of the songs on this two disc, two hour set was written by Ol’ Blue Eyes himself. —JK

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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