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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Sonny Bono Foundation Prevents At-Risk Youths From Skiing Into Trees

SOUTH LAKE TAHOE, CA—As the organization marks its 15th anniversary Friday, representatives for the Sonny Bono Foundation told reporters that they continue to devote their every effort to stopping at-risk teen skiers from crashing into trees. “As we speak, thousands of children are hurtling down the nation’s ski slopes, and every single one of them is in grave danger of hitting a tree at any second,” said SBF President Mark Rodgers, whose organization since the untimely 1998 death of singer and politician Sonny Bono has worked to put an end to the countless number of young American skiers who, at this very moment, are hurtling at high speeds in the direction of numerous pine trees. “The grim reality is that every 30 seconds a child gets off a chairlift, and if we don’t act now, it’s only a matter of time before yet another one of them takes a turn too fast, loses control, and slams into a tree. These kids have nobody to look out for them up there, and it’s our responsibility to honor Mr. Bono’s legacy by keeping them out of harm’s way.” Though Rodgers claimed that his foundation has had considerable success protecting young skiers, he admitted that the group’s work has been made considerably more difficult due to the competing mission of the Michael Kennedy Winter Athletics Institute, which teaches children how to ski downhill at dangerous speeds while playing football.

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