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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Sonny Bono Foundation Prevents At-Risk Youths From Skiing Into Trees

SOUTH LAKE TAHOE, CA—As the organization marks its 15th anniversary Friday, representatives for the Sonny Bono Foundation told reporters that they continue to devote their every effort to stopping at-risk teen skiers from crashing into trees. “As we speak, thousands of children are hurtling down the nation’s ski slopes, and every single one of them is in grave danger of hitting a tree at any second,” said SBF President Mark Rodgers, whose organization since the untimely 1998 death of singer and politician Sonny Bono has worked to put an end to the countless number of young American skiers who, at this very moment, are hurtling at high speeds in the direction of numerous pine trees. “The grim reality is that every 30 seconds a child gets off a chairlift, and if we don’t act now, it’s only a matter of time before yet another one of them takes a turn too fast, loses control, and slams into a tree. These kids have nobody to look out for them up there, and it’s our responsibility to honor Mr. Bono’s legacy by keeping them out of harm’s way.” Though Rodgers claimed that his foundation has had considerable success protecting young skiers, he admitted that the group’s work has been made considerably more difficult due to the competing mission of the Michael Kennedy Winter Athletics Institute, which teaches children how to ski downhill at dangerous speeds while playing football.

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