Sonny Bono Foundation Prevents At-Risk Youths From Skiing Into Trees

Top Headlines

Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Sonny Bono Foundation Prevents At-Risk Youths From Skiing Into Trees

SOUTH LAKE TAHOE, CA—As the organization marks its 15th anniversary Friday, representatives for the Sonny Bono Foundation told reporters that they continue to devote their every effort to stopping at-risk teen skiers from crashing into trees. “As we speak, thousands of children are hurtling down the nation’s ski slopes, and every single one of them is in grave danger of hitting a tree at any second,” said SBF President Mark Rodgers, whose organization since the untimely 1998 death of singer and politician Sonny Bono has worked to put an end to the countless number of young American skiers who, at this very moment, are hurtling at high speeds in the direction of numerous pine trees. “The grim reality is that every 30 seconds a child gets off a chairlift, and if we don’t act now, it’s only a matter of time before yet another one of them takes a turn too fast, loses control, and slams into a tree. These kids have nobody to look out for them up there, and it’s our responsibility to honor Mr. Bono’s legacy by keeping them out of harm’s way.” Though Rodgers claimed that his foundation has had considerable success protecting young skiers, he admitted that the group’s work has been made considerably more difficult due to the competing mission of the Michael Kennedy Winter Athletics Institute, which teaches children how to ski downhill at dangerous speeds while playing football.