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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Son's Black Market Value Checked Online

WHITESTONE, NY—Shortly after viewing a television report on the international child-slavery trade, 42-year-old father David Newsom was "alarmed" Monday when a subsequent Internet search revealed that his son, Dave, Jr., would fetch more than $35,000 in an underground Burmese child-sex-slave operation.

"To think that there are sickos out there who would pay an extra five grand just because he's blond," said Newsom, who claimed he was shocked by how easy it was to upload photos to the illicit organization's website. "These people are absolute monsters with their height requirements, though."

Newsom added that he was just glad to know his 11-year-old son was happy, healthy, and in possession of two normal and absolutely toxin-free kidneys.

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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