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Son's Black Market Value Checked Online

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Son's Black Market Value Checked Online

WHITESTONE, NY—Shortly after viewing a television report on the international child-slavery trade, 42-year-old father David Newsom was "alarmed" Monday when a subsequent Internet search revealed that his son, Dave, Jr., would fetch more than $35,000 in an underground Burmese child-sex-slave operation.

"To think that there are sickos out there who would pay an extra five grand just because he's blond," said Newsom, who claimed he was shocked by how easy it was to upload photos to the illicit organization's website. "These people are absolute monsters with their height requirements, though."

Newsom added that he was just glad to know his 11-year-old son was happy, healthy, and in possession of two normal and absolutely toxin-free kidneys.

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