Sophomore Senator Eager To Move Out Of Congressional Housing

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Vol 39 Issue 07

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FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Deputy Benjamin H. Weaver, court bailiff of the Flagstaff Municipal Courthouse, has grown weary of the constant comparisons to recently retired bailiff Leo Cessna. "I don't care if Deputy Leo always let you use the bathroom during opening arguments—I'm not Leo," the 34-year-old Weaver told jurors Tuesday. "I'm not Leo, I've never been Leo, and I can never be Leo, okay?" After the session, court stenographer Judy Rayburn tried to comfort Weaver, telling the shaken bailiff that it took years for the judges to accept her way of using semicolons.

NBC Cancels CSI

BURBANK, CA—Seeking to bolster its Thursday-night Nielsen numbers, NBC announced Monday that it is cancelling the highly rated CBS drama CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. "CSI was a quality show that, unfortunately, always quite lived up to expectations," said Jeff Zucker, NBC president of entertainment. "We tried to give it plenty of time to lose an audience, but in the end, it just was working." Other shows NBC may cancel include Fox's American Idol, ABC's Alias, and CBS's Everybody Loves Raymond.

Corey Flintoff Unleashes Sonorous, Pleasantly Modulated String Of Obscenities

WASHINGTON, DC—Upon injuring a toe Sunday, Corey Flintoff, newscaster for NPR's All Things Considered, unleashed a string of rich, pleasantly modulated obscenities. "God fucking dammit," Flintoff warmly intoned after dropping a heavy-duty router on his foot while working in his garage. "Stupid fucking cocksucking son of a bitch." Added Flintoff in a lush baritone: "Goddamn motherfucking shit-for-brains. This is NPR." Next-door neighbor Cheryl Thomas, who overheard the tirade, said Flintoff's delivery was so melodic, she was unaware that he was swearing.

It Takes A Village to Stitch 20,000 Dallas Cowboys Sweatshirts

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Spreadin' A Little Sunshine

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The Anti-SUV Movement

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God Quietly Phasing Holy Ghost Out Of Trinity

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Sophomore Senator Eager To Move Out Of Congressional Housing

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing the noise, constant distractions, and lack of privacy, sophomore Sen. Wayne Allard (R-CO) told reporters Monday that he is eager to move out of congressional housing.

A glum Allard sits in his Jefferson Hall dorm room.

"I really need to get out of here," said Allard, sitting in Jefferson Hall's third-floor TV lounge, just down the hall from his room. "I had to get up at 7 a.m. today for a fundraiser breakfast, and at, like, 3 o'clock in the morning, someone started blasting that "In Da Club" song [by rapper 50 Cent]. And this is on a Monday night."

Added Allard: "That kind of shit happens all the time."

The senator said living in Jefferson Hall has been "way less fun" this year because many of his friends from the previous year's class have moved out and gotten their own apartments.

"Ever since [Sen.] Daniel [Akaka (D-HI)] and [Sen.] Mike [DeWine (R-OH)] left, Jefferson Hall hasn't been the same," Allard said. "I go hang out at their place on Wisconsin Avenue all the time, but it's not like being able to just walk down the hall."

Allard remembers fondly the good times he shared with DeWine and Akaka.

"I don't know how many times me, Mike, and Daniel would break into the dining hall when it was closed," Allard said. "I remember this one time at, like, 1:30 in the morning, we were all starving, so we snuck in through this side door and just went nuts with the cereal dispensers. Mike ate this huge bowl of Cap'n Crunch, Cocoa Pebbles, Trix, and Boo Berry all mixed together. It was so friggin' gross, we were laughing our asses off. Stuff like that doesn't happen anymore."

Making matters worse for Allard is the fact that one of his closest friends, freshman Sen. Lincoln Chafee (R-RI), was supposed to move into Jefferson Hall, but was instead forced to live in Hamilton Hall.

"I told him to get his paperwork in early because Jefferson fills up fast," Allard said. "Now, he's way over on the other side of the Hill. He's always complaining that he has no friends there because Hamilton is so cliquey. Too bad, because this term wouldn't suck so bad if he was living in Jefferson."

"At least it's not as bad as [Sen.] Jon [Corzine (D-NJ)]," Allard continued. "He got stuck at one of the House halls. Those guys are such tools."

Allard cited his increased maturity and a need to "get serious" about his legislative duties as factors in his unhappiness.

Allard and Sen. Tim Hutchinson (R-AR) hang out in the dorm hallway late one night last fall.

"The best and worst thing about Jefferson is that there's always something going on," Allard said. "When you need to work on a bill or practice a speech, there are no quiet places to do it. I go to the study lounge, because that's what it's for, but there's usually people talking in there. For a while, I tried working in my room, but there'd always be a bunch of people sitting in the hallway right outside my door debating term limits or playing euchre or whatever."

Added Allard: "If I need quiet, I can always go to the Library of Congress, but that's, like, a 20-minute walk."

Despite longing for a more studious atmosphere, Allard nevertheless laments the loss of the high-spirited camaraderie that typified his freshman term.

"When I moved here in 1996, we had some really crazy guys," Allard said. "Every Friday night, when our R.A. would be out at his girlfriend's place, we'd hold these huge, floor-wide progressives. I lived with Mike, and our room would always be the Sex On The Beach room. You don't even want to know some of the shit that went down. These new guys, they're just not like that. I wouldn't want to party with them even if I was still into that whole scene."

These days, Allard said, his room serves as little more than a "crash pad."

"I've been hella busy this year," Allard said. "Most of my day is spent at the Capitol. I'm on three different subcommittees and another group pushing for HR-1539. Plus, I play in an intramural flag-football league twice a week. By the time I get back to Jefferson most nights, I'm wiped."

Allard is critical of the rule requiring legislators to stay in congressional housing for their first two terms.

"I can see why it's smart to make us stay in C.H. the first term," Allard said. "It really helps you acclimate to Washington and build strong bonds. But 12 years is a little much. Look at England. They only make their legislators stay in the dorms one term, and the second term is encouraged but optional. That makes way more sense."

When his current term is up in 2008, Allard said he plans to get an apartment with DeWine and Akaka.

"Daniel has a foosball table, and we've been talking about getting a pinball machine, too," Allard said. "Provided I get reelected, those next six years are gonna be sweet."

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