Sorta-Attractive Girl Half-Heartedly Hit On

In This Section

Vol 39 Issue 45

House Of Representatives Magically Switches Bodies With Senate

WASHINGTON, DC—Members of the Senate and the House of Representatives were magically transposed Tuesday, in an event Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist described as "freaky." "Sen. [Orrin] Hatch [R-UT] had just introduced S.J. Res. 15 when, all of a sudden, we found ourselves in these huge chambers with all these extra seats around us," Frist said. "I looked down, and there in my hand was a copy of H.R. 2799, but I had no idea how to go about defending its contents." Members of both congressional bodies proceeded to learn valuable lessons about one another's perspectives on the legislative process.

Enraged Man Unable To Break TV

SHREVEPORT, LA—Enraged after seeing his ex-wife in a local commercial, area resident Bill Schwartz, 48, threw a potentially destructive tantrum Monday, but was unable to smash the screen of his 42-inch high-definition television. "If that television were less durable, there would be no doubt as to just how upset I am right now," Schwartz said after launching two shoes and a telephone at the screen. "Damn it." Schwartz then made a final charge at the television before collapsing dejectedly into a recliner.

22-Year-Old Fuck Complains Of Age Discrimination

SAN MIGUEL, CA—Passed over for a promotion at Barton Financial Services, little 22-year-old fuck Darren Meeker filed a lawsuit against the company Monday, claiming to be a victim of age discrimination. "Just because someone has 20 years of experience, that doesn't automatically make him more qualified than my client," said attorney Martin Lippman, who represents the whiny shit. "In his first seven months on the job, Mr. Meeker has more than proven his potential." The little prick was unavailable for comment.

African Leaders Still Treating Clinton As President

NAIROBI, KENYA—Kenyan President Emilio Mwai Kibaki said Monday that his country continues to enjoy excellent diplomatic relations with former U.S. President Bill Clinton. "I have always enjoyed working with Mr. Clinton, and the recent international Agricultural Development Conference was no exception," Kibaki said. "And I know that [Democratic Republic of the Congo President] Joseph Kabila enjoyed meeting with him to secure an American commitment for humanitarian aid, as well." Kibaki said that none of the leaders have anything in particular against President Bush, but added that all the same, they'd rather stick with Clinton.

Ghosts Of Situations Past

If you Jeanketeers think I sit on a chaise lounge eating bonbons all day, you'll be surprised to learn that I applied for, and got, a part-time job at Kinko's. See, I thought working at Kinko's would be easy. The only other time I'd been there, to photocopy a disintegrating old column by Ann Landers (R.I.P.), it was late at night, and the clerk on duty was reading a skateboarding magazine. Boy, was I in for a rude awakening! That place gets swamped!

Immigrant Workers Vs. Wal-Mart

Hundreds of undocumented immigrants have filed a discrimination and exploitation lawsuit against Wal-Mart. What are the workers' complaints?

Speeding Up Iraqi Self-Rule

The Bush Administration announced that it hopes to speed up the transition to self-government in Iraq. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Sorta-Attractive Girl Half-Heartedly Hit On

COOL SPRINGS, TN—During a weekend house party characterized as "okay," paint-store employee Peter Elsing, 24, mustered up just enough interest to hit on Theresa Scobel, a sort of good-looking Vanderbilt graduate student, Elsing said Monday.

Elsing kinda makes a move on the sorta-attractive Scobel.

"Theresa was...cute," Elsing said. "She could've been in better shape. Not saying I couldn't either, of course. She definitely had a cute face. I've seen worse."

The party, held Saturday night at the apartment of Elsing's longtime friend Warren Croft, was subdued, with fewer than 20 attendees. Elsing said boredom and a shortage of eligible female guests inspired him to speak to the tall, curly-haired Scobel.

According to Elsing, of the seven women present, five came with dates. The only two unattached females were Scobel and her friend, whom Elsing identified as "Kate or Kim or something."

"I guess the Kim girl had worked with Warren once, but she didn't know anyone else at the party, so she talked Theresa into coming with her," Elsing said. "To be honest, I would've been just as likely to hit on Kim, but she kept going outside to smoke or plug the meter or something."

Added Elsing: "Look, it was either talk to Theresa or hang out on the sofa and eat Baked Tostitos with Warren's weird friend Phillip [Barger]."
Elsing said his conversation with Scobel was "civil," but also punctuated by awkward silences and nervous laughter.

"Halfway through my conversation with Theresa, my urge to hit on her ebbed a little," Elsing said. "But I went on anyway. Force of habit, I guess."

During their conversation, Elsing learned that Scobel earned her undergraduate major in Latin American studies at the University of Delaware, can speak fluent Spanish and Portuguese, recently returned from a three-week Mayan art and culture study-seminar in the Yucatan Peninsula, and has nothing whatsoever in common with him.

"I asked her why she was interested in Latin American stuff," Elsing said. "I can't exactly remember what she said—something about being part Latin. She seemed really smart. I would've been totally intimidated by her, if she'd been gorgeous."

About 20 minutes into the halting exchange, Elsing embarked on a tentative flirt, and told Scobel that the gray top she was wearing was "nice."

Elsing and Scobel share one more drink before calling it a night.

"She thanked me and told me that my eyes were very intense," Elsing said. "That was kind of cool. But I was also like, whoa, that was a pretty big leap she made—from clothes to body parts. It's not like I pointed out a physical feature of hers. Hopefully, I haven't released the floodgates here."

In spite of the pair's lack of chemistry, Elsing requested Scobel's phone number and suggested that they meet for coffee some time in the coming weeks.

"I thought about inviting her to go to Club 505 after the party, but I figured that would be too forward, like I was trying to liquor her up," Elsing said. "Besides, I was getting tired. Really, I just wanted to get home."

Elsing said he gave Scobel credit for inspiring him to remain at the party longer than he would have otherwise.

"I still can't decide whether I'll call her," Elsing said. "Maybe I should give her a chance. She seemed all right. Not overtly weird. She was nice, I guess. I don't know. We'll see. It might be fun. Or not. Maybe."

Party host Croft said he saw Elsing and Scobel talking.

"I noticed Peter hanging out with Kaitlin's friend Theresa at the party," Croft said. "It sorta looked like maybe they were getting along. That'd be cool if they hooked up. She wasn't really my type—a little too plain. But she seemed cool enough, I guess."

As for Scobel, she said she is ambivalent about receiving a phone call from Elsing.

"Peter was nice, but I wish I hadn't given him my number," she said. "I just did it because...I don't know. I honestly didn't mean to send him mixed signals. I just made that remark about his eyes to get him to relax a little."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More