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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Sotomayor Misses Supreme Court Case After Failing To Get Out Of Jury Duty

Sotomayor sits through hours of "boring-ass testimony from some stupid witness" Monday.
Sotomayor sits through hours of "boring-ass testimony from some stupid witness" Monday.

WASHINGTON—Recently appointed justice Sonia Sotomayor told reporters that, despite making dozens of excuses, she was selected for jury duty this week, causing her to miss a landmark Supreme Court case addressing campaign finance reform.

"I probably threw away four of those letters before I got one that said I had to appear or 'face serious penalties,' whatever that means," said Sotomayor, who was forced to appear at a nearby municipal courthouse Monday. "I just got a new job, for Christ's sake. I can't afford to be sitting in some dingy courtroom all day. God, what a waste of time."

"The guy is totally guilty, by the way," Sotomayor continued. "You can tell just by looking at him."

Sotomayor speculated that a recent trip to the District of Columbia Department of Motor Vehicles to renew her driver's license was the reason her name was put in the jury pool. Though she reportedly tried a number of tactics to prove that she was unfit to serve—including inventing an infirm grandmother, claiming she had "psychological problems," and even citing some of the more inflammatory allegations leveled against her during her Supreme Court confirmation hearings—the prosecution and defense still agreed upon Sotomayor as a juror.

"I wore my tattered old Dead Kennedys T-shirt, and I told the judge I didn't really think I could be fair and impartial if the defendant was white," said Sotomayor, who is of Puerto Rican descent. "When that didn't work, I said I had sciatica and couldn't sit in one place for long periods of time. But then they said they'd make the necessary accommodations, and now we have a mandatory recess every two hours and all of the other jurors hate me."

"This all just goes to show what a huge joke the justice system is," Sotamayor added.

The high court's first Hispanic justice also complained about having to sit through an "unbelievably stupid" instructional video on the importance of jurisprudence, and that the $80 daily stipend was not nearly enough to cover living expenses. Sotomayor refused, however, to comment on her failed bid to be elected jury foreman, a position that instead went to an unemployed locksmith.

"It's so boring," Sotomayor said. "I'm totally daydreaming most of the time. Honestly, I don't know how anyone could possibly pay attention to all that testimony and evidence and legal mumbo jumbo all day long."

This is not the first time jury duty obligations have kept a Supreme Court justice from his or her post. Most notably, Clarence Thomas was forced to serve on a malpractice case in early 2002, but a mistrial was declared after the 61-year-old refused to participate in deliberation, claiming that he'd rather not vote one way or another.

Other justices who have proven themselves more adept at getting out of jury duty reportedly offered their advice to Sotomayor before her scheduled appearance in court.

"Sonia should have told the judge that she would take a strict constructionist interpretation of the law and make her decision accordingly," Justice Antonin Scalia said. "That gets me dismissed every time."

Although irritated by her situation, Sotomayor said she has resigned herself to serving as a juror, and just hopes the trial will be adjourned as quickly as possible so she can return to work.

Said Sotomayor, "I just pray to God this thing doesn't make it all the way to the Supreme Court."

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