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Politics

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Sotomayor To Add Ballistics Expertise To Already Deadly Supreme Court

WASHINGTON—In addition to her extensive command of corporate law, intellectual property cases, and arbitration, Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor also brings a world-class knowledge of ballistics and experimental weaponry to an already deadly Supreme Court, analysts said this week. "Justice Sotomayor's unique knowledge of flares and boosters will be a welcome addition to the nation's highest judicial body, providing a perfect complement to Breyer's stick-fighting, Kennedy's psyops, and Ginsburg's melee skills," legal scholar Toni Martello said. "After the recent loss of Souter's crack archery and hotwiring talents, the Court will have to do all it can to stay lethal." Court observers are still unsure as to what value Justice Thomas' expert napping abilities could possibly be adding.

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