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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Sotomayor To Add Ballistics Expertise To Already Deadly Supreme Court

WASHINGTON—In addition to her extensive command of corporate law, intellectual property cases, and arbitration, Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor also brings a world-class knowledge of ballistics and experimental weaponry to an already deadly Supreme Court, analysts said this week. "Justice Sotomayor's unique knowledge of flares and boosters will be a welcome addition to the nation's highest judicial body, providing a perfect complement to Breyer's stick-fighting, Kennedy's psyops, and Ginsburg's melee skills," legal scholar Toni Martello said. "After the recent loss of Souter's crack archery and hotwiring talents, the Court will have to do all it can to stay lethal." Court observers are still unsure as to what value Justice Thomas' expert napping abilities could possibly be adding.

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