Soulmate Dropped For New, Better Soulmate

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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Good Times

Soulmate Dropped For New, Better Soulmate

BLOOMINGTON, IN—The deep and abiding love shared by soulmates Andrew Colton and Brenda Smolensk ended Monday, when Colton broke up with Smolensk to go out with new soulmate Mandy Damrush.

Soulmates Andrew Colton and Mandy Damrush. Inset: Brenda Smolensk, Colton's former soulmate.

"Mandy and I are so perfect together, I almost can't believe it," a beaming Colton said Monday. "It's like we're the same person. Even though we just met, I feel like we're soulmates, like I've known her my whole life."

From June 17, 1996 until 2:15 p.m. Monday, Colton and former soulmate Smolensk were inseparable, describing themselves as "unwhole without each other." In a poem he gave to Smolensk in June to commemorate the third anniversary of their meeting, Colton described their relationship as "like one mind in two bodies, ever understanding and ever clear."

According to Colton, Smolensk was the love of his life at the time.

"Brenda and I were a perfect match," Colton said. "We would go on long walks and talk for hours about literally any subject. I would start a sentence, fumble for a word, and Brenda would finish for me. Or she could just look at me and say out loud what I was thinking."

Added Colton: "Fortunately, Mandy doesn't interrupt me or do any of that annoying stuff Brenda did."

Colton also fondly recalled his last Christmas with Smolensk. "One of my gifts to her was a Thighmaster, and she got all excited and asked, 'How did you know I wanted to work on my thighs?'" Colton said. "How did I know? Well, I would often see her standing in front of her full-length mirror and, just from the way she looked at herself, I could tell she was unhappy about all the dimples in her thighs. That's just the sort of deep understanding we had for each other."

Colton then slipped his arm around Damrush and said, "Mandy has got incredible thighs."

But despite the fact that the pair's relationship seemed made in heaven, Colton and Smolensk gradually grew apart.

"As great as Brenda was, we somehow fell into a rut. Toward the end, we didn't do anything together. We didn't even talk very much," said Colton, recalling his last days with Smolensk. "On the other hand, Mandy and I already get along so well, it's like we have a telepathic bond--neither of us even has to say a word. Mandy truly is the only person on the planet I can see myself with. What are the odds we would meet?"

Colton's friends have already accepted his newer, even more ideal companion into their circle.

"Mandy is so incredibly wonderful," said David Rudd, Colton's best friend and roommate. "I mean, I thought Brenda was the only woman in the world for Andrew, but now it's clear that it's Mandy."

"I know it sounds like a cliche, but Andrew and Brenda were so right for each other, it seemed like it was, like, cosmic or something," longtime friend Marc Elliot said. "Believe me, the last thing anyone expected was that Andrew would actually find a soulmate who was even better."

"Good for him," Elliot added.

Despite having moved on, Colton stressed the special place his ex-soulmate will always have in his heart: "I want to be clear that I'm not trying to bad-mouth Brenda at all. I have nothing but good things to say about her. What we had was truly once-in-a-lifetime. But what I have now is even more once-in-a-lifetime."

Colton said he will always be thankful for meeting Smolensk, as he learned much from her.

"When fate led me to Brenda, I was a wounded person, afraid I would never again be able to trust a woman. After all, my heart had been broken by three previous soulmates," Colton said. "But Brenda taught me that I could find true love again. And you know what? That's exactly what I've done."

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