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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Soulmate Dropped For New, Better Soulmate

BLOOMINGTON, IN—The deep and abiding love shared by soulmates Andrew Colton and Brenda Smolensk ended Monday, when Colton broke up with Smolensk to go out with new soulmate Mandy Damrush.

Soulmates Andrew Colton and Mandy Damrush. Inset: Brenda Smolensk, Colton's former soulmate.

"Mandy and I are so perfect together, I almost can't believe it," a beaming Colton said Monday. "It's like we're the same person. Even though we just met, I feel like we're soulmates, like I've known her my whole life."

From June 17, 1996 until 2:15 p.m. Monday, Colton and former soulmate Smolensk were inseparable, describing themselves as "unwhole without each other." In a poem he gave to Smolensk in June to commemorate the third anniversary of their meeting, Colton described their relationship as "like one mind in two bodies, ever understanding and ever clear."

According to Colton, Smolensk was the love of his life at the time.

"Brenda and I were a perfect match," Colton said. "We would go on long walks and talk for hours about literally any subject. I would start a sentence, fumble for a word, and Brenda would finish for me. Or she could just look at me and say out loud what I was thinking."

Added Colton: "Fortunately, Mandy doesn't interrupt me or do any of that annoying stuff Brenda did."

Colton also fondly recalled his last Christmas with Smolensk. "One of my gifts to her was a Thighmaster, and she got all excited and asked, 'How did you know I wanted to work on my thighs?'" Colton said. "How did I know? Well, I would often see her standing in front of her full-length mirror and, just from the way she looked at herself, I could tell she was unhappy about all the dimples in her thighs. That's just the sort of deep understanding we had for each other."

Colton then slipped his arm around Damrush and said, "Mandy has got incredible thighs."

But despite the fact that the pair's relationship seemed made in heaven, Colton and Smolensk gradually grew apart.

"As great as Brenda was, we somehow fell into a rut. Toward the end, we didn't do anything together. We didn't even talk very much," said Colton, recalling his last days with Smolensk. "On the other hand, Mandy and I already get along so well, it's like we have a telepathic bond--neither of us even has to say a word. Mandy truly is the only person on the planet I can see myself with. What are the odds we would meet?"

Colton's friends have already accepted his newer, even more ideal companion into their circle.

"Mandy is so incredibly wonderful," said David Rudd, Colton's best friend and roommate. "I mean, I thought Brenda was the only woman in the world for Andrew, but now it's clear that it's Mandy."

"I know it sounds like a cliche, but Andrew and Brenda were so right for each other, it seemed like it was, like, cosmic or something," longtime friend Marc Elliot said. "Believe me, the last thing anyone expected was that Andrew would actually find a soulmate who was even better."

"Good for him," Elliot added.

Despite having moved on, Colton stressed the special place his ex-soulmate will always have in his heart: "I want to be clear that I'm not trying to bad-mouth Brenda at all. I have nothing but good things to say about her. What we had was truly once-in-a-lifetime. But what I have now is even more once-in-a-lifetime."

Colton said he will always be thankful for meeting Smolensk, as he learned much from her.

"When fate led me to Brenda, I was a wounded person, afraid I would never again be able to trust a woman. After all, my heart had been broken by three previous soulmates," Colton said. "But Brenda taught me that I could find true love again. And you know what? That's exactly what I've done."

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