After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Sound of Children's Laughter Music To Disney Focus-Group Leader's Ears

BURBANK, CA—Mary Herndon loves the joyful sound of children's laughter almost as much as the gross profits it will bring, the presentation facilitator for Walt Disney Pictures said Monday. "It's my duty to take whatever is pure and genuine, and repurpose it into stuffed animals, video games, sleepwear, and Happy Meal toys," she said after a "productive"  viewing of Disney's newest fairy-tale adaptation, Hansel, Gretel, and Rollee The Talking Skateboard. "We like to say that every time a child smiles, a parent spends $2.17. And we can back that up with solid figures."

After Birth

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