WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.
BURBANK, CA—Mary Herndon loves the joyful sound of children's laughter almost as much as the gross profits it will bring, the presentation facilitator for Walt Disney Pictures said Monday. "It's my duty to take whatever is pure and genuine, and repurpose it into stuffed animals, video games, sleepwear, and Happy Meal toys," she said after a "productive" viewing of Disney's newest fairy-tale adaptation, Hansel, Gretel, and Rollee The Talking Skateboard. "We like to say that every time a child smiles, a parent spends $2.17. And we can back that up with solid figures."