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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Sound Technicians Resort To Hanging Donald Sutherland Upside Down In Empty Stairwell To Get Optimal Voice-Over Tone

BURBANK, CA—During a recording session earlier this week, technicians at ProSound Studios found they were able to obtain a perfectly lush, heady voice-over resonance by hanging actor Donald Sutherland upside down from the railing of an empty staircase. "We tried lowering him into an old smokestack, but you lose some of the subtlety in his lower register that way," audio engineer Kevin Coe said as he loosened Mr. Sutherland's leg buckles and eased him down onto the landing. "Toyota is very specific about the sound they want, and we found that hanging Donald upside down in this staircase and muffling him slightly by stuffing socks into his mouth produced exactly the sort of warm, comforting inflections the client just loves." Coe said the recordings, which effectively showcased Mr. Sutherland’s full, powerful timbre, were some of the best work he's done, though Toyota ultimately decided to go with a more ragged, gravel-toned Gene Hackman voice-over instead.

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