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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Sound Technicians Resort To Hanging Donald Sutherland Upside Down In Empty Stairwell To Get Optimal Voice-Over Tone

BURBANK, CA—During a recording session earlier this week, technicians at ProSound Studios found they were able to obtain a perfectly lush, heady voice-over resonance by hanging actor Donald Sutherland upside down from the railing of an empty staircase. "We tried lowering him into an old smokestack, but you lose some of the subtlety in his lower register that way," audio engineer Kevin Coe said as he loosened Mr. Sutherland's leg buckles and eased him down onto the landing. "Toyota is very specific about the sound they want, and we found that hanging Donald upside down in this staircase and muffling him slightly by stuffing socks into his mouth produced exactly the sort of warm, comforting inflections the client just loves." Coe said the recordings, which effectively showcased Mr. Sutherland’s full, powerful timbre, were some of the best work he's done, though Toyota ultimately decided to go with a more ragged, gravel-toned Gene Hackman voice-over instead.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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