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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Source Of Jealousy Not Even That Successful

TULSA, OK—Despite living a life that by most standards is only slightly more successful than average, local account manager Jeremy Thomas is nevertheless the primary source of coworker Christopher Palgon’s intense jealousy, sources reported Monday. “I see him every day pulling up in his shiny Toyota Avalon, and I’m, like, wow, I’d kill for a ride like that,” said Palgon, adding that he couldn’t help but envy the fact that his colleague has an office with a view of the sidewalk three stories below instead of a cubicle. “He’s a nice enough guy, but it’s hard not to get a little resentful when he starts casually talking about this five-day cruise to the Bahamas he’s going to take with his wife for their 20-year anniversary. Like it’s no big deal.” Palgon also told reporters that he had visited Thomas’ home once and could never imagine the luxury of having a separate room just for guests.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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