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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Sources: Any Number Of Players Could Be Traded To Nearly Any Combination Of Teams

NEW YORK—With the NFL Draft approaching, pitchers and catchers reporting to spring training, and the NBA trade deadline drawing nearer, multiple sources are reporting that a near-limitless number of deals could be struck as soon as this week. "All 32 NFL teams, 30 MLB teams, and 30 NBA teams are in the market for at least something at this point, and in each case, every single other team in the league could theoretically fulfill that need in some manner, leading to every player being a possible player on every team," an unnamed source said Monday, adding that a third team entering the mix of any given trade would more than double the possible trade agreements that could be reached. "And that’s before you even factor in the number of NHL players who could clear waivers and still be swapped after last week’s deadline." As of press time, rampant media speculation had disrupted the chemistry of every single team in professional sports and forced all negotiations to break down.

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