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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Sources Close To Team Wish They Could Talk With Reporters About Something Other Than Rumors For A Change

AUSTIN, TX—Sources close to the University of Texas football team declined to speak with reporters Monday about who head coach Mack Brown was likely to name as starting quarterback, and asked if the journalists would mind talking about something besides rumors for once. "It just seems like all we ever talk about is rumors about recruitment, depth, charts, or injuries—it's the same shop talk every damn day," said one source, who confirmed that it had been months since he'd felt as though he'd had a normal, human interaction with a reporter. "You could at least ask us how we're doing every now and then, but no, it's always straight to 'How'd David [Ash] look in training camp this week?' Did you ever stop and think sources might just want to talk about favorite restaurants or hopes and dreams?" At press time, sources close to sources had given credence to rumors that the sources' outburst might have been due in part to undisclosed personal issues.

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