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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Sources Close To Team Wish They Could Talk With Reporters About Something Other Than Rumors For A Change

AUSTIN, TX—Sources close to the University of Texas football team declined to speak with reporters Monday about who head coach Mack Brown was likely to name as starting quarterback, and asked if the journalists would mind talking about something besides rumors for once. "It just seems like all we ever talk about is rumors about recruitment, depth, charts, or injuries—it's the same shop talk every damn day," said one source, who confirmed that it had been months since he'd felt as though he'd had a normal, human interaction with a reporter. "You could at least ask us how we're doing every now and then, but no, it's always straight to 'How'd David [Ash] look in training camp this week?' Did you ever stop and think sources might just want to talk about favorite restaurants or hopes and dreams?" At press time, sources close to sources had given credence to rumors that the sources' outburst might have been due in part to undisclosed personal issues.

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