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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Sources Close To Team Wish They Could Talk With Reporters About Something Other Than Rumors For A Change

AUSTIN, TX—Sources close to the University of Texas football team declined to speak with reporters Monday about who head coach Mack Brown was likely to name as starting quarterback, and asked if the journalists would mind talking about something besides rumors for once. "It just seems like all we ever talk about is rumors about recruitment, depth, charts, or injuries—it's the same shop talk every damn day," said one source, who confirmed that it had been months since he'd felt as though he'd had a normal, human interaction with a reporter. "You could at least ask us how we're doing every now and then, but no, it's always straight to 'How'd David [Ash] look in training camp this week?' Did you ever stop and think sources might just want to talk about favorite restaurants or hopes and dreams?" At press time, sources close to sources had given credence to rumors that the sources' outburst might have been due in part to undisclosed personal issues.

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