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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

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Sources: George Clooney Looking Good

HOLLYWOOD—According to sources from every imaginable demographic across the United States, Canada, Europe, and the rest of the civilized world, Academy Award–winning actor and two-time People magazine "Sexiest Man Alive" George Clooney is looking good.

Clooney looking, as always, good.

"I saw him on the cover of Vanity Fair, clean shaven, and he was looking good," Austin-area film and TV buff David Haas said Monday. "Then I saw him on the cover of GQ with a few days' growth, and he was still looking good. He's been looking good since he was Dr. Doug Ross on ER, and he'll probably be looking good for his next 20 roles."

"I wish I looked one tenth as good as he's looking," Haas added.

Clooney – whose steely gaze and easygoing personality have consistently captivated millions around the globe, across all categories of race, religion, class, gender, and sexual orientation – has for the past 25 years attained the highest possible scores in every known measure of physical, psychological, and spiritual attractiveness.

A recent poll conducted by the Pew Research Center revealed that 18 percent of respondents described Clooney as looking "distinguished," 11 percent found him looking "sharp," and 3 percent found him looking "square-jawed and rugged, yet stately and reserved, as one would expect a baron or king to look."

The poll had no statistical margin of error.

"When you think of George Clooney, the first thing you think is 'sexy,'" said Julia Allison, editor-at-large for Star magazine. "The second thing you think is 'hunky,' and the third thing is 'dishy.' Then you think that, even if he were to get into a disfiguring accident, he would probably still come out with a face too dreamy for words. I love you, George Clooney."

Christ, how can you resist this guy?

Whether viewing Clooney in a meticulously posed portrait by famed celebrity photographer Annie Leibowitz, in a candid photo toweling off his tousled hair near a pool, or in a paparazzi snapshot emerging from a grocery store, modern science remains unable to quantify just how phenomenally attractive the universally beloved Kentucky native actually is.

"The subject's masculine yet disarmingly friendly features, from what we have been able to determine, do not appear to be constricted by the laws of physics," said Princeton University geneticist Dr. Janet Hargrove, whose exhaustive, decade-long study of Clooney's appearance concluded that the 46-year-old has only gotten better-looking with time. "From his modest beginnings as George Burnett, the long-haired repairman on the 1980s sitcom The Facts of Life, onward through his sexy ascent to Hollywood leading man, his facial features have defied the Second Law of Thermodynamics by being impervious to entropy."

Hargrove continued, "Unlike most carbon-based organisms, which will, over time, succumb to the ravages of cellular decomposition and genetic degradation, Clooney, with his puppy-dog eyes and salt-and-pepper hair, has aged like a fine wine."

The multitalented actor-director-producer-humanitarian has further impressed audiences and critics alike by choosing his projects judiciously, working on films with artistic integrity and social merit, and lending his A-list status to high-profile charity work. His down-to-earth persona and deep belief in equality for all—as evidenced on the set of Three Kings, where he came to blows with director David O. Russell over the treatment of an extra—only adds to his overwhelming charisma. Plus, sources agree, he has this little thing he does with his eyebrow that is just adorable.

"Just look at the guy," Center for Media Studies director Robert Kubey said. "That jaw, those eyes. And he's not just some pretty face—he's a very talented actor. Even I would probably follow him to the end of the earth if he asked me to, and I've been happily married for 14 years."

Despite the mounting scientific evidence and overwhelming public sentiment, some continue to disagree with the assessment that Clooney is looking good.

"Looking good?" Nutley, NJ resident Laura Fine said. "You must be kidding. Did you see Ocean's Thirteen? He's looking better than ever."

Clooney, in typical humble fashion, had no comment on this story.

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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

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