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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

Sources: George Clooney Looking Good

HOLLYWOOD—According to sources from every imaginable demographic across the United States, Canada, Europe, and the rest of the civilized world, Academy Award–winning actor and two-time People magazine "Sexiest Man Alive" George Clooney is looking good.

Clooney looking, as always, good.

"I saw him on the cover of Vanity Fair, clean shaven, and he was looking good," Austin-area film and TV buff David Haas said Monday. "Then I saw him on the cover of GQ with a few days' growth, and he was still looking good. He's been looking good since he was Dr. Doug Ross on ER, and he'll probably be looking good for his next 20 roles."

"I wish I looked one tenth as good as he's looking," Haas added.

Clooney – whose steely gaze and easygoing personality have consistently captivated millions around the globe, across all categories of race, religion, class, gender, and sexual orientation – has for the past 25 years attained the highest possible scores in every known measure of physical, psychological, and spiritual attractiveness.

A recent poll conducted by the Pew Research Center revealed that 18 percent of respondents described Clooney as looking "distinguished," 11 percent found him looking "sharp," and 3 percent found him looking "square-jawed and rugged, yet stately and reserved, as one would expect a baron or king to look."

The poll had no statistical margin of error.

"When you think of George Clooney, the first thing you think is 'sexy,'" said Julia Allison, editor-at-large for Star magazine. "The second thing you think is 'hunky,' and the third thing is 'dishy.' Then you think that, even if he were to get into a disfiguring accident, he would probably still come out with a face too dreamy for words. I love you, George Clooney."

Christ, how can you resist this guy?

Whether viewing Clooney in a meticulously posed portrait by famed celebrity photographer Annie Leibowitz, in a candid photo toweling off his tousled hair near a pool, or in a paparazzi snapshot emerging from a grocery store, modern science remains unable to quantify just how phenomenally attractive the universally beloved Kentucky native actually is.

"The subject's masculine yet disarmingly friendly features, from what we have been able to determine, do not appear to be constricted by the laws of physics," said Princeton University geneticist Dr. Janet Hargrove, whose exhaustive, decade-long study of Clooney's appearance concluded that the 46-year-old has only gotten better-looking with time. "From his modest beginnings as George Burnett, the long-haired repairman on the 1980s sitcom The Facts of Life, onward through his sexy ascent to Hollywood leading man, his facial features have defied the Second Law of Thermodynamics by being impervious to entropy."

Hargrove continued, "Unlike most carbon-based organisms, which will, over time, succumb to the ravages of cellular decomposition and genetic degradation, Clooney, with his puppy-dog eyes and salt-and-pepper hair, has aged like a fine wine."

The multitalented actor-director-producer-humanitarian has further impressed audiences and critics alike by choosing his projects judiciously, working on films with artistic integrity and social merit, and lending his A-list status to high-profile charity work. His down-to-earth persona and deep belief in equality for all—as evidenced on the set of Three Kings, where he came to blows with director David O. Russell over the treatment of an extra—only adds to his overwhelming charisma. Plus, sources agree, he has this little thing he does with his eyebrow that is just adorable.

"Just look at the guy," Center for Media Studies director Robert Kubey said. "That jaw, those eyes. And he's not just some pretty face—he's a very talented actor. Even I would probably follow him to the end of the earth if he asked me to, and I've been happily married for 14 years."

Despite the mounting scientific evidence and overwhelming public sentiment, some continue to disagree with the assessment that Clooney is looking good.

"Looking good?" Nutley, NJ resident Laura Fine said. "You must be kidding. Did you see Ocean's Thirteen? He's looking better than ever."

Clooney, in typical humble fashion, had no comment on this story.

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