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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Sources: Greg Oden Looks Incredible In Video From 2007

ATLANTA—Displaying the virtually unlimited raw potential of a once-in-a-generation franchise center, multiple league sources confirmed Saturday that former Portland Trail Blazers player Greg Oden has looked absolutely incredible in a video from 2007. “He’s just such an amazing physical specimen—the guy could destroy every center in the league,” NBA On TNT analyst Steve Kerr said of the video that surfaced five years ago, showcasing Oden’s tremendous natural talents as a center for Ohio State University. “He totally dominates in the paint and around the rim. Guys with 7-foot, 250-pound frames who have that level of quickness and agility don’t come around too often. How do you stop that?” Kerr went on to say that while Oklahoma City Thunder small forward Kevin Durant demonstrates a pretty high ceiling in a recently unearthed clip from 2006, Oden appears to “ultimately be the guy you can build a team around for the next decade.”

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