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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Sources: Hackers Vandalized Drudge Report For Last 15 Years

MIAMI—Following recent reports that a covert Chinese military unit is behind a series of cyber assaults on American companies, blogger Matt Drudge revealed to reporters today that his popular news aggregation website The Drudge Report has also been at the mercy of Chinese hackers since shortly after the site’s inception in 1996. “They make the whole site look like garbage, they publish all this incendiary trash, and meanwhile I have to sit here with my name on this thing—it kills me,” said the popular blogger, who went on to claim the website’s primitive graphics, inflammatory muckraking, and shoddily researched takedowns were the work of a sophisticated unit of Chinese super-hackers determined to drag down the quality of what would otherwise be a reliable, respected source of online reportage and commentary. “All I can say is if someone in China is trying to make my website look like complete and utter shit then they’re doing a hell of a job.” At press time, sources confirm Drudge was consulting popular viral content aggregator Buzzfeed to see how they were dealing with a similar breach in security.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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