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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Sources: Hackers Vandalized Drudge Report For Last 15 Years

MIAMI—Following recent reports that a covert Chinese military unit is behind a series of cyber assaults on American companies, blogger Matt Drudge revealed to reporters today that his popular news aggregation website The Drudge Report has also been at the mercy of Chinese hackers since shortly after the site’s inception in 1996. “They make the whole site look like garbage, they publish all this incendiary trash, and meanwhile I have to sit here with my name on this thing—it kills me,” said the popular blogger, who went on to claim the website’s primitive graphics, inflammatory muckraking, and shoddily researched takedowns were the work of a sophisticated unit of Chinese super-hackers determined to drag down the quality of what would otherwise be a reliable, respected source of online reportage and commentary. “All I can say is if someone in China is trying to make my website look like complete and utter shit then they’re doing a hell of a job.” At press time, sources confirm Drudge was consulting popular viral content aggregator Buzzfeed to see how they were dealing with a similar breach in security.

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