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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Sources: Hackers Vandalized Drudge Report For Last 15 Years

MIAMI—Following recent reports that a covert Chinese military unit is behind a series of cyber assaults on American companies, blogger Matt Drudge revealed to reporters today that his popular news aggregation website The Drudge Report has also been at the mercy of Chinese hackers since shortly after the site’s inception in 1996. “They make the whole site look like garbage, they publish all this incendiary trash, and meanwhile I have to sit here with my name on this thing—it kills me,” said the popular blogger, who went on to claim the website’s primitive graphics, inflammatory muckraking, and shoddily researched takedowns were the work of a sophisticated unit of Chinese super-hackers determined to drag down the quality of what would otherwise be a reliable, respected source of online reportage and commentary. “All I can say is if someone in China is trying to make my website look like complete and utter shit then they’re doing a hell of a job.” At press time, sources confirm Drudge was consulting popular viral content aggregator Buzzfeed to see how they were dealing with a similar breach in security.

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